Good Riddance 2016!

A lot of people have been dubbing 2016 as the worst year ever on social media. Everyone has their reasons- from the deaths of so many wonderful celebrities to the election, Brexit, Allepo, and unfortunately, personal tragedies as well.  2016 was a pretty dang crappy year for me, beginning with diagnosis on Dec 23, 2015.  It was scary in the beginning, emotionally and physically draining through chemo and then the emotional roller coaster after my bilateral mastectomy.

I've learned so much about breast cancer and the different types.  Did you know that many people, including young women, are still dying from this disease?  I am in a group on facebook for young women with breast cancer (under 50).  We have lost so many women this year.  Women who were just beginning their lives as mothers, wives, sisters & daughters.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I went through the hell of treatment but I've come out the other side alive, mostly physically and emotionally intact.  I thank God every day that I am still here and I pray that no more beautiful lives are lost to this disease.

But I also learned a lot about myself in 2016- I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  I have learned to try to always interpret ill-spoken comments as well-meaning and not meant to be hurtful.  I offer others grace and am working on doing the same for myself.  I have learned what is truly important.  I learned how amazing my group of friends are and how willing they were to lend a hand.

When we wake up in 2 days on Jan 1, 2017, it won't be all flowers and rainbows and song. Cancer will not forever be gone from my life- I will be always looking over my shoulder and cancer will always be the first thought with every new ache and pain. We will all still need to fight the good fight and band together to help one another.  I still have faith in humanity, which this disease has shown me just how wonderful and caring people really are.

I thank everyone who has supported me and my family this past year- a prayer, a kind word, a shoulder to cry on and meals when I didn't feel so hot.  You all made it possible for me to get through cancer treatment.

2017 brings new challenges for the Longoria crew- Ray's retirement from the Marine Corps, a new job, a move to TX and a new way of life away from the military for all of us.  I wish you all a very happy and healthy 2017.  Don't forget to do those self-exams!

 From my crazy family to yours, Happy New Year!!

9 days post surgery and feeling a bit better

As many of you may have seen on facebook, I was disappointed with the results when I first saw my foobs last Monday.  The shape is very different than I expected and initially they felt very "plastic".  But they're feeling more natural now.  The rippling of the implant at the top is still somewhat obvious, but hopefully once I have the fat grafting done in early March, it won't be an issue anymore. I go back tomorrow to hopefully have the drains taken out.  They are such a pain!

I had a pretty crappy day that Monday after surgery, but that level of emotion is seriously draining.  I know it sounds crazy, but it's just easier to accept the results.  This doesn't mean that I won't continue to fight for the best new foobs, but the crying and such isn't worth the effort right now :P  I also trust my surgeon and know that he'll do everything he can to make me happy.

In other news, I've been thinking about tattoos.  Part of me wants to have nipple tattoos done, but a bigger part of me wants a really beautiful floral tattoo.  I always come back to this one:

isn't it beautiful?  I'd probably add some elements of me into it, but I'd love something like this.  Besides, only Ray, my docs and I would see them.  The tattoos will be the very last thing that happens, so it might be at least another year.  

So that's my latest update.  The plan is to do fat grafting early March.  Hopefully that'll make me happier!  

Surgery 2- Done!

Yesterday was my "switch" surgery- it was outpatient and much quicker & less complicated than my last surgery.  It only took about 2 hours & everything went well.  

There's definitely a lot of differences from the last surgery.  I'm not in as much pain but I can feel the incisions this time and they hurt!  Last time I completely lost feeling so I couldn't even feel where they cut me.  The drains are painful again (argh!) but my chest isn't nearly as sore/tight.  Last time it felt like my muscles had been pulled super tight and I couldn't really lift my arms past my shoulders.  My chest is just sore now but no tightness.  I think this will be much easier (and quicker) to heal from.

I see my plastic surgeon on Monday and although he said he probably won't be able to take the drains out at the appt, just him saying that gives me hope that the drains will come out a lot sooner than the 2.5 weeks it took last time.  The drains are such a pain. 

I'll get to see the new foobs on Monday...I hope I'm not disappointed.  They can't be any worse than the terrible expanders, right?  Already I can tell that they are so much softer than the expanders.  woot!  I am so excited to be able to cross my arms across my chest, sleep on my stomach and have cleavage again.  It probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but I missed those things :P  

Here I am before surgery yesterday, I was SO ready:

Then after surgery:

So that's the update.  Only 1 more surgery to go!  only 20 more days until my 1 year since diagnosis.  Phew- what a year!

I'm going to post pictures of my incisions...they aren't super nasty but I wanted to warn you- don't scroll down if you don't want to see them!

1 Week until surgery!

My next surgery is a week from today!  woot.  I'm very excited and hope that the implants will make me feel a bit more like me. It's hard to believe this year is finally coming to an end.  Yesterday marked 6 months since my last chemo.  We're less than a month from my 1 year anniversary since diagnosis  Wow!

I'll be really glad to bid 2016 goodbye.  I have mixed feelings about the year...it seriously sucked but at the same time I realized how strong I can be.  It was definitely a journey!  All in all, I'll be glad when it's over.  2017 WILL be our year!!

Part of me wants to share the progress photos I've taken since taking off those first bandages, but I'm not sure how or where.  They aren't something that I really want out there publicly, but at the same time something I'd like to share for when people tell me how perky my chest is now, not understanding that I'd take my old saggy breasts over what's left.

My chest is no longer something sexual or what I even consider part of my body.  I wonder if there's a way to have a password protected that will not allow downloads or screenshots.  That would be ideal.  Then I could give the password to whoever asks and not worry about my photos being copied or saved.

I'll look into that &see if I can find a safe way to share my progress photos.

Celebration of Life Reception

This afternoon Ray and I went to the Celebration of Life Reception at the Breast Center.  It was really nice- we got to see my breast surgeon & her staff as well as signing the Survivor's chair & quilt.
One of the surgeons bought and donated a brand new chair for us to sign & I was the first to sign it!

Here's the quilt, it has signatures all the way back to 2003!

My breast surgeon, Dr. Jacobs.  She said be sure to take a picture because we'll

 never see her in pink again LOL 

It was a lovely afternoon and it was wonderful seeing the surgeon, her wonderful staff and especially other survivors.  I'm so glad Ray was able to come and experience it with me, especially since he's always been such a huge support to me throughout this journey!

Looks like we made it

I remember the first time we were in the waiting room at the breast center to see the breast surgeon, after I knew I had cancer, but before we understood any of the details.  I saw a chair with many signatures of survivors on it and wondered if I'd ever get to sign it.  I hadn't really thought about it much since then, but I was so pleased when I got this in the mail the other day:

This invitation really makes me feel like I made it through this whole ordeal.  It's funny that this is the thing that makes me feel 'cured' but, for some reason, validation from the breast center is what I needed.  I still can't believe that we're finally through the worst of this!   

It's been 4 months since my last chemo- which means I'm officially off chemo as long as I was on it. Wow.   Just wow.  What a difference 4 months makes!  Check out the hair growth from chemo til now:

I guess this means that my blog is winding down.  I struggle to come up with topics to blog about...I will continue to blog with any surgery and appointment updates, but they are so few and far between now so it won't be that often.  I'm considering starting a blog for everyday stuff, but I feel like that needs to be an entirely separate blog. I'll be sure to let everyone know if I end up doing that so you can follow along if you'd like!

I cannot express how much everyone's support, prayers and love has helped me through this.  And it turns out that blogging really helped me through this journey too, more than I ever expected.  I have yet to go back and read any of this blog, but I'm glad that I have the option to do so, when I'm ready.  One of the reasons I wanted to start it was so that I could always remember how I felt during all of the treatments.  That and keep others informed as well as maybe someday helping someone else through this.  If I can help just one person, it was all worth it.

I'll be getting an early Christmas present

I saw my plastic surgeon yesterday and we scheduled my next surgery!  My skin expanders have done their job and I'm ready to have them taken out and have the final implants put in.  I'll be so happy to get these awkward hard expanders out!  My surgery date is Dec 2nd, hence the early Christmas present.  I really hope the implants will make me feel more like the old me.

Speaking of the old me, I started an 8 week bootcamp challenge on Monday.  So far I'm loving it, although I'm pretty sure there isn't a muscle in my body that isn't screaming at me! But it feels good to be working out again, and I feel like the "old" me.  The old out-of-shape me, but still the old me that could do more than just walk from my bed to the couch. I'm officially down 14 pounds from my highest chemo weight and only about 10lbs to go until I'm back down to my original "fat weight." It  boggles me how out of shape and weak I am, but we all have to start somewhere, right?

I see my oncologist tomorrow for a follow up to discuss the tamoxifen.  So far, so good- no real side effects, which is great.  And I was kind of known at the oncologist's office for my wacky shirts, so this came just in time (today)!

After I put it on I wondered if it is something I should have worn during chemo, when I actually had cancer, but I decided that it can mean that I beat cancer too.  I really want a shirt that says, "I made cancer my b!tch" but most of my kids can read, so...that's a no go.  It is true though!

I plan to go back and say hello to my chemo nurse Nikki.  I haven't seen her since my last chemo at the end of May.  It'll be great to say hello and not worry about her sticking me with a needle LOL

2 months, 2 and a half miles

Yesterday was 2 months exactly since my surgery.  How did I celebrate?  By heading to the gym with Emeline and doing 2.5 miles on the treadmill!  She's my new workout buddy and I'm loving our time together- a big thank you to my awesome husband for allowing us to do so much together, which has built such a great relationship between my oldest daughter & I.

I'm not quite up to running the entire 2.5 miles, but I ran more yesterday than when we went to the gym on Tuesday and did 2 miles, so that's progress.  I'm feeling stronger every day!

This morning I stepped on the scale and saw the lowest number I've seen since going up on the scale during chemo.  I'm over halfway to my first mini-goal weight.  Ironically, my first mini-goal used to be my "fat" weight.  But perspective has taught me that I needed to gain weight to become healthier.  Boy does that sound counterintuitive, but it was the only way to ensure that the big C didn't possibly take away my future (and all that great time I'm having with Emeline at the gym!).  I plan to spend a lot more time in the gym in the coming months.

Life is good, my friends.  I'm so thankful that I'm physically able to get back to the gym and extra thankful that the scale is showing my work.   I really need to treat this body right, after I put it through so much hell!

Welp, it's official

My hair is long enough that people think it's a style choice.  I've had 3 strangers compliment me this week on my haircut.
them: "I love your haircut!"
me: "Um, thanks...but it's not a haircut, it's just my hair growing back in from chemo."
<insert awkward silence>
them: "Oh."
me: "Don't worry, I had surgery and now I'm cancer-free!"
them: "Uh, congrats..."  slinking away from that super awkward conversation, wishing they'd never said anything.

I'm thinking I need to just learn to say, "thank you!" and move on, eh?

In the whole scheme of things, I think this is good news- now I know I can totally pull off hair this short. The funny thing is, before the big C, I was really uncomfortable without bangs, I felt almost naked without them. And all the sudden there I was- running around town with a naked head like nothing.  Perspective is such a funny thing!

Take a good look, my peeps. This will be the one and only time it'll ever be this short.  So enjoy it while you can & feel free to touch it when you see me, it's super soft!

Who knew?  David Beckham is my hair's spirit animal!

We made it through the summer!

Phew!  Summer seemed so daunting when school ended in mid-June.  The surgery was looming and I had no idea how well I'd do afterwards.  But finally, it's all behind us.  The kids got too much screen time and we didn't do nearly as many fun things as we usually do in the summer, but we made it through and I'm so thankful for that.  I had so much help from my mom and of course Ray.  Emeline stepped up to the plate more than a 12 year old should have to, but we are so blessed to have such a mature young lady so willing to help out.  She's nothing short of amazing.

And what a summer it was- surgery right after the 4th of July, recovery and then to round it all out, Elianna spent 4 days in the hospital for a kidney infection.  That was so scary and I hated seeing my poor sweet girl in so much pain.  She was such a trooper though.  I stayed with her the 3 nights she was there.

It never occurred to me that I would have any issues being with her in the hospital.  But the smell of saline made me feel nauseated and I slept terribly while there (although that would have probably happened either way). The whole thing was really bad timing- I'd just started taking the Tamoxifen and Sunday I was nauseated and tired all day.  I was so afraid that it was totally due to the Tamoxifen but I think it was probably from the lack of sleep and not having my med that helps me sleep at night. I also had to stop one of my other meds and I was feeling super emotional.  I kept thinking this in the midst of it all:

(please tell me someone else remembers this movie?!  It's a classic!!)

The kids are all tucked into their beds, ready to wear their first day of school outfits tomorrow.  I'm ready to drink coffee in peace LOL  (although the twins don't start preschool until thursday, they meet their teachers on Tuesday).  I'm really happy that we can get back into the routine of school & I can make doctor's appointments without having to find a babysitter for the twins.  I am feeling better than I probably have felt since I was diagnosed almost 9 months ago.  I hope this means the rest of 2016 won't suck nearly as much as it has thus far!

3 months!

In case no one else realized it, exactly 3 months ago today (May 24) was my last chemo!  I definitely like being on this side of the countdown, instead of the other!  

And, just for this occasion, I tried a faux-hawk (my hair is NOT quite there yet, but not too bad, eh?)

I don't have much time to blog right now, but couldn't NOT celebrate with a post!  

(oh, and look, my eyebrows are back for real now!)

I'm feeling quite good, but I'm losing my mind!

Literally, I'm losing my mind.  I forget simple things on a regular basis.  Sure, I forget things everyone forgets- where I put the remote, where did I put down my phone & what I was going to do when I get into a room.  But it goes beyond that.  I'm finding myself completely forgetting words and having to work really hard to find them.  I took the twins to the beach 45min away last week and forgot their lunches.  I forgot about an orthodontist appt that was on my phone calendar.  I forget how to spell words. There's definitely more, but I forgot LOL. It's so strange.  Chemo brain has definitely hit me like a ton of bricks.  I've heard it can last 2 years or more.  Oh dear Lord, help me!

The twins and I at the beach last week

Physically I'm feeling really well.  It no longer hurts to put my arms up straight, and I never even did the exercises the PT recommended (I think those are for little old ladies who don't have 5 kids to chase around like me anyway).  My incisions are looking great and I'm kind of getting used to having numbness under my left armpit and have even managed to shave it without cutting myself. I did have a little freak out last week when I thought one of my expanders sprung a leak.  But it turned out to be fluid buildup.  I saw my surgeon and he tried to put a drain back in, but he was unsuccessful so he ended up just using a needle & syringe to get it out.  Since then, I've had a little bit of fluid build up but my body is doing a great job of taking care of it (woot!  I did not want another drain!). I'm working on losing some of the weight I gained throughout this process and it's motivating to see the scale go down.

I have an appointment with my oncologist on Friday where I expect to get a prescription for the med I will have to take for the next 10 years.  It's called Tamoxifen and it'll control my hormones so hopefully another cancerous tumor can't grow.  It'll also keep me in menopause.  Awesome.  I'll have another fill on Tuesday at the plastic surgeon's office, I'm hoping it'll be my last.  Then I'll have 1 more fill to "overfill" them a bit then wait 6 weeks or so to have the real implants put in.  I can't wait.  These expanders are so uncomfortable- they feel SO hard (ask anyone who's felt them- I basically make all my girl friends touch the expanders & my new head of hair).

Speaking of hair, here's the latest hair picture:

Looking pretty good, right?  This is about 10 weeks post chemo.  I'm really excited to see if it starts to curl when it gets longer.  It's funny because the hair in the front naturally goes to the right, when I pretty much always parted my hair to the left.  I'm pretty sure I never want to cut my hair again!

Thanks for following along on this journey with me.  I'll update again soon!

One step closer to recovery

Hair watch 2016: 8 weeks after finishing chemo

It's coming in pretty well.  It's got more gray than before I lost it, but I'm chalking that up to my follicles not producing color for all the hairs yet.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I was finally able to get my drains out yesterday!  I saw the breast surgeon on Monday but when they called the plastic surgeon's office to ask if they could pull the drains, he said he wanted to do it at my tuesday appt with him.  So it was one more night with those dang things.  I was worried that it would hurt having them pulled out, but I actually didn't feel anything- I had to ask if they were out.  The tube that was in my body was a lot longer than I expected.  The body is a pretty amazing machine.  The nurse just put some gauze and tape on it and said to change it a couple times a day.  There's still some drainage (tmi, sorry) but I feel SO much more free.  Here's a pic of one of the drains before I got it out:

I'm almost 3 weeks post-op and am feeling pretty good.  I have a weird tightness in my chest muscles so it hurts to raise my arms too high, so I'm starting the exercises the PT gave me to help with mobility.  I had my expanders filled for the first time yesterday.  It was really weird because he just put needles through my skin but I couldn't feel it at all.  He had to tell me to look away when he put the needle in. I was afraid I'd be uncomfortable for a long time afterwards, but since I have no feeling and the expanders aren't under the muscle, I was just a little sore yesterday but feel fine today.  I had the plastic surgeon explain how he is doing the implants because I was kind of freaking out about the expanders being over the muscle. Everything I've read says that implants above the muscle are more likely to travel, the skin isn't able to support them so it gets stretched out and other various issues.  He told me that he wraps the implant in alloderm (cadaver skin) and then tacks it to the muscle, so I won't have an issue with it moving where it's not supposed to go.  That made me feel so much better and stop worrying too much.  I knew I should trust him but I was still freaking out a bit.  

I still have 1 more important appointment to schedule and that's with my oncologist.  She will prescribe me a drug called Tamoxifen that I'll need to take for the next 10 years.  It should prevent my hormones from growing another cancerous tumor.  Hopefully I can get in to see her next week.

I saw my regular doctor yesterday to talk about how I've been feeling.  Luckily I'm getting used to the scars and with having the expanders filled, I look more like I actually have boobs, but I still have periods of sadness.  I was told by the breast surgeon that it's very common to have this issue after surgery.  She said a lot of people are so focused on getting through the treatments that once there are no more treatments, they have the time to sit back and realize that they had cancer and that they lost part of themselves (literally).  I can see what she means- we've been focusing on that next chemo, and then the surgery and also still being a mom and finishing up the school year and planning the summer.  I spent a lot of time in my room that first week after surgery and I had a lot of time to think and feel sorry for myself.  Maybe not feel sorry for myself, but let myself fall apart a bit.  I've tried to be so strong throughout this fight and I've stumbled many times, but for the most part, I think I've done a good job of staying positive.  

All that said, I still worry that people are going to expect me to go back to being that old person, the pre-cancer Tara.  But my life has forever been changed.  It wasn't anything I'd ever choose, but I do feel like it's given me a perspective and understanding beyond what I could ever have learned without cancer.  

I'm still so amazed at how many people sent cards, flowers, gift cards, made meals, said prayers or just sent me messages of love and support.  I'm in a fb group for women with breast cancer and so many of them talk about the lack of support they're getting.  I haven't felt unsupported even for a minute throughout all of this.  For that, I can never say thank you enough.  All I can do is pay all of your kindness forward and hopefully make it a little bit easier on someone going through a tough time.  God is good and he has provided me with an amazing group of friends and family around me.  

NED! NED!

Well, it's not really official yet (I feel like I need to hear it from my oncologist for it to be), but I got my pathology back from the lymph nodes that were taken during surgery.  I had an appointment with my gyn on Tuesday for a follow up and she was able to look up my results- all negative!  So I can safely say I am NED= No Evidence of Disease.  Although this is awesome, I still have a long road ahead of me.

Physically I'm feeling pretty good- I can't believe how quickly I'm healing.  Luckily I have some really awesome caregivers helping me with my drains and bringing me iced coffee when I need a pick me up!  I'm hopefully getting the drains out on Monday when I see my breast surgeon.

I have some strange numbness under my arms (especially the one that she took lymph nodes from) that may or may not go away, as well as total loss of feeling on the skin on my actual breasts. It's quite a strange feeling.  I do get random pangs here and there and strangely sometimes my chest wall aches- which feels like letdown (for my friends that breastfed), which is super ironic.  Cue Alanis Morissette.

I'm still pretty horrified by what's left on my chest, but the plastic surgeon said I'm healing great and that it's totally normal to feel this way.  He promised that he won't leave me looking this way.  

And of course I got a new t-shirt this week- I can't wait to wear it!

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me after my last blog.  It was really tough to write and I was hesitant to write it, but Ray encouraged me to share how I was feeling and I'm really glad that I did.  I have had a couple of good days since I wrote that- maybe I just needed to get it off my chest. (no pun intended) I'm going to find a support group to discuss how I'm feeling.

I feel like this journey thus far has aged me 10 years.  But now I can finally call myself a survivor- no more cancer in this body!  

All the feels

I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions while riding this Cancer ride.  I've tried to be as positive and upbeat as possible, using my humor to get me through.  In the beginning though, I had many tears, worrying about the twins not remembering me, missing out on all of the children's lives and just not being able to be here for them. But once I was given all the information about my diagnosis, I knew that it wasn't worst case and I'd make it through.

Chemo was tough and it brought me to my knees several times.  There were some days when I just didn't think I could deal with the side effects for one more day.  I cried to my oncologist, who promised me that this was the worst of it and I would get through.  And somehow I did.

Back when I was first diagnosed and met with the breast surgeon, she told us about my options.  I could opt for a lumpectomy (which would require radiation after), a single mastectomy or a double mastectomy.  Not that I'd ever really thought that hard about it, or that I would actually have to make the decision, but I've always said I'd do a double if I were to get breast cancer.  I knew at that first appointment that getting rid of both breasts would give me the most peace of mind.  So I never really considered anything other than what I had done.

I'd done research and looked at pictures of women post-mastectomy.  I knew that most women don't get to keep their nipples so I wasn't shocked when my breast surgeon said she wasn't comfortable saving my nipple (because the lump was basically attached to it).

In the days leading up to surgery, I mourned the loss of my breasts- they were the first thing that made me feel like a woman, after all.  I nursed all 5 of my babies with those breasts.  Those breasts had been a source of comfort to my children for the past almost 13 years.  They were saggy from growing and getting smaller repeatedly, but they were mine.

 I wasn't exactly sure what to expect the first time I saw my new chest- I'd seen plenty of pictures with scars but I never really saw any pictures from right after surgery.  My plastic surgeon told me that I could take off the gauze on Sunday and take a shower, so that's when I got my first real look.

You guys, I was devastated when I took off my surgical bra.  I look deformed and where my breasts used to be are these weird plastic-y feeling lumps (the skin expanders).  I'm not a vain person, I really am not, but I cried and cried and cried.  I'm just so sad.  I never expected to be hit this hard with sadness.  I was fine with losing my hair, which I've always thought was one of my greatest attributes.  I wasn't happy about gaining weight, but I know I can lose it when this is all over.  But this?  My chest is forever changed.  I know that the plastic surgeon will make it look so much better than it looks now, but it's still so awful seeing myself this way.  It'll get better but for now, I'm just sad.

I am doing a little bit better today- I had a really good ugly cry last night and decided to focus on the positive- being cancer free.  But if you see me and I look sad, just know that I'm still mourning all that I have lost.  It's okay though, you don't have to say anything or even try to understand.  I hope you'll never have to understand this feeling of loss!  I hope that this sadness will gradually fade and soon it'll be a distant memory.

I love you all and am so grateful for all of the support you've shown over the last 7 months.  This roller coaster has not completed it's course yet, so be prepared to see some more ups and downs from me.  Thank you for taking this ride with me and encouraging me along the way.

Surgery

Friday morning we checked into the hospital at 7am. Eventually we were taken to nuclear medicine so that something could be injected into my nipple to determine which lymph nodes the surgeon needed to take.  The technologist took some images to determine where the lymph nodes were and marked them on my skin.  After about an hour, we were taken to the pre-op area where I met with my breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, ob/gyn & the anesthesiologist.  It was interesting because I had to explain to everyone what they were going to do to me- I guess they do that to make sure I really understand the procedures.  The plastic surgeon got out his purple pen and drew all over me, so that he knew what went where after the breast surgeon removed all of the breast tissue.

They finally wheeled me back, so I said goodbye to Ray.  The last thing I remember is being in the operating room.

When I woke up, I was in the recovery room.  I found out that my surgery ended up being closer to 6 hours (instead of the 4-4.5 hours they projected).  The breast surgeon took 5 lymph nodes out to be tested but the prelim results were negative for cancer in the nodes.  She told us that it is 90% accurate so there's only a very small chance that the cancer spread.  I'll take those odds!

I had to stay in recovery longer than anticipated because my heart rate got kind of high (130s) but once I got some steroids, I was cleared to move to my room around 9pm.  My nurse was great and very attentive.  I was able to get up and walk around a bit, although the pain in my abdomen was worse than I expected.  The tubal ligation was kind of an afterthought procedure, but i didn't get the numbing like they did for the other surgeries.  I got some good drugs though!

I was able to come home around 3:30pm on Saturday.  I'm getting lots of great care here at home- Elianna really likes being involved in draining my drains.  She might just be our future nurse!

  I don't feel nearly as bad as I thought I would, to be honest.  I'm 4 days out from surgery now and can get around pretty well.  I'm still pretty tired and sore.  Physically I'm doing pretty well.  I'm having trouble emotionally though, but I'm not quite ready to blog about that yet but plan to once I can get my thoughts to make sense.

Just like that. It's surgery day

I woke up around 4:45am because I couldn't sleep anymore.  I took a shower, looked in on all of my sleeping kids and packed a light bag.

I'm a bit emotional this morning.  Chemo changed the inside of my body but this surgery will forever change the outside.  I nursed 5 kids for a total of 8 years (if you don't count the twins simultaneously) and I'm having a hard time saying goodbye to the part of me that nourished and soothed them.  These boobs were the first thing that really made me feel like a woman when I hit puberty...and what brought all the boys to my yard.

But, it's a new chapter in my life.  A chapter that begins my life as a survivor.  As NED (no evidence of disease).  As the warrior that everyone seems to think I am.  I'm ready to kick this bitch cancer to the curb!

See you all on the other side!

The 24hour countdown

Welp, this time tomorrow I'll be getting prepped for surgery.  It's really happening.  I think I'm as ready as I can be.

Old Lady robe that snaps up the front-  check
Button up old fashioned pjs- check
extra pillows- check
little pillows for under my arms- check
button up shirts to go out into the world if I feel like it- check
the last season of OITNB to kill time- check

I got a lanyard to hang my drains on when I finally get to shower but can't find it now.  That's not helpful at all!  Oops.  I've done a good cleaning of the living room, kitchen and my room.  The kids need to work on the basement, but I'll let Ray deal with that and the bathrooms :P

Ready or not, tomorrow's the day.  Please just send easy surgery & quick recovery prayers and vibes.  And pathology that shows it has not spread!

Less than a week now- yikes!

I can't believe my surgery date is quickly approaching!  Ray and I went to see the nurse at the breast surgeon's office yesterday to discuss the day of surgery and aftercare.  It sounds like it's going to be a pretty painful experience, but luckily I'll be given some good narcotics to keep me from feeling too much of it.

I also saw a physical therapist.  She did a special test to check the "flow" up and down my arm.  A flow of what, I'm not entirely sure, but it's important to have that information.  They'll be taking out 2-3 lymph nodes during surgery to biopsy, which disrupts the lymphatic system and can cause lymphedema.  With the results of the test she performed, they can detect lymphedema by testing the flow every 3 months to see if things have changed, catching it much sooner than when I'd have symptoms.   I'm hoping I don't ever get it, but it can show up as far as 5 years out from surgery.  The PT said that it's pretty much a crap shoot on who will get it so I'm glad that they are being proactive about it.  I really feel great about the care that I'm getting here.  Johns Hopkins is definitely on top of all the newest medical interventions,

I'll be having a whole team of surgeons working on me on Friday.  The breast surgeon will do the mastectomy, the plastic surgeon will place skin expanders to begin reconstruction and my gyn will go through my belly button and do a tubal (taking my fallopian tubes).  My breast cancer can grow with hormones, so I can no longer use birth control with hormones, so we've decided the best option is "tying my tubes".  Although I know we are done having children, I am pretty sad to be losing my fertility.  That chapter of my life will be closed for sure.  

There's definitely a lot more to this surgery than I anticipated, but I think as long as I'm prepared, I'll be okay.  I survived chemo, I can survive this.  

4 weeks since chemo...just over 2 weeks til surgery

These dates will forever be tattooed into my brain:
diagnosis:  Dec 23, 2016
First chemo:  Feb 2, 2016
last chemo- May 24, 2016
first surgery- July 8, 2016

Every month that I get to celebrate another month since diagnosis is a victory for me.  Life will never be the same.  I look back at pictures BD (before diagnosis) and I think, "poor girl, you just have no idea what's in store for you- how your body and mind and life is going to change."  This has definitely changed me.

Speaking of change, I'm getting hair!  Well, I *think* it's hair, it feels more like peach fuzz and is coming in really really light (dare I say white?!).  I've heard that sometimes the chemo can make the first hair come in without color- so I hope that's what's happening here LOL   Here's the best picture that I can get of 4 weeks post chemo:

I do have some dark hair coming in too, but it's much shorter so hard to see.  My head kind of looks like an old man head right now, so I'm having to wear a hat when I'm out now.  It sucks because it's so hot!  I'm hoping my hair starts growing quicker and I can stop wearing the hats soon.

It's getting closer!!

The countdown continues!  19 days- just 3 week from today I'll be in the operating room.  Here's the official countdown:  The final countdown

I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday and got more of an idea of surgery schedules.  It looks like surgery #2 will be anywhere from 3-4 months after my first surgery. Then the 3rd surgery will be anytime after 3 months, depending on when I want to do it (I'm thinking next spring).

I've read that I can never be declared "cured!" or even in remission (doesn't that imply that it'll eventually come back?  at least it does to me) but I've learned a new acronym to embrace.  NED.  NED= no evidence of disease.  My goal is to stay in the NED category for the rest of my life!

Once I found out that my cancer was contained to the breast and I knew the road of treatments ahead, I thought, "okay, this will be a tough year in my life, but soon it'll just be a blip in my lifetime, another obstacle cleared."  but the closer "the end" gets, the more I realize that it won't be just something that happened to me, but will affect the rest of my life.  Breast Cancer will always be there, lurking in the dark- every bone ache or random bump/lump etc is going to make me worry, "is it back?" But I'll try not to let it be anything but a niggling thought in the back of my mind.

I've learned a lot throughout this journey.  I know I've talked about it before, but with all the recent tragedies involving children and the judgement that has come from those on social media, I realized how much my cancer treatment has changed my way of thinking.  I hate to admit that once I would have asked, "why wasn't that parent watching the child?" as if I could be the world's most perfect parent (this thought coming mostly before I actually had kids, because let's be honest, we all thought we'd be the best parents before we actually had kids).  Motherhood definitely changed my thoughts on these situations (goodness knows I've lost track of one of my kids more than once) but Cancer has changed it further.  I no longer judge others, or if I begin to, I remind myself that unless I've walked in their shoes, I have no idea what's going on in their life.  It's not our place to judge and instead of judging others, we need to help them.  There have been so many times that I've been halfway through the grocery store when my 2 toddlers acting a fool- crying or running away from me or just being ridiculously silly and not listening.  Instead of the dirty looks, it sure would be nice for someone to offer, "hey, I'll watch your cart while you chase after those little ones!" Let's get back to the village we once used to be- let's help each other instead of breaking each other down with judgement and ridicule.  Do something nice today!

I have an official surgery date!

I got a call back from the breast surgeon's office and surgery is set for July 8!  We had to make a few other appointments- a pre-op "teaching" appointment with a nurse to discuss all the after-surgery stuff, a post-op appointment scheduled and even an appointment for a pre-op physical with my PCM.

I kind of can't believe it's finally scheduled.  It seems like just yesterday we had the consult with the plastic surgeon and he said to call about 3 months out to start the scheduling process.  It's really all coming together!

In other news, I finally returned to the gym this morning. Woot!  I went in with guns a blazin' and did a R.I.P.P.E.D class.  As anyone familiar with this class knows, it's a toughie!  Although I had to do a lot of modification (you'd be surprised how much chemo and inactivity can take from a body!), I had a lot of fun and it was good to be back.  I've been trying to eat better since June 1st and although I haven't been perfect, I've been doing pretty well.  My goal is to lose as much of this chemo weight as I can before surgery.

But...at the same time, I'm trying to allow myself some Grace.  As someone reminded me this morning (thanks Maria!), I need to allow myself Grace through this experience.  I gained over 20lbs while getting through chemo.  Could I have gained less?  Maybe.  But I did (and ate!) what I needed to get me through and you know what?  That's okay.  I could have maybe eaten more salads and less chocolate.  But the most important thing is that I made it through.  

I have a feeling someday I'm going to look back and really wonder how the heck I did it.  5 kids, the 2 youngest being 3 year old very active twins (who aren't even in preschool, yikes!), continuing with my dog training (which, I have to admit, is my me time and I wouldn't give it up unless I absolutely have to) & trying to keep some semblance of normalcy at home...it wasn't pretty, but i did it.

Some days were pretty crappy.  Some days I felt like giving up.  Some days were amazing.  Some days I cried.  Most days I laughed.  I thank God for every one of those days.  Having cancer has helped me to really realize what's important in life.  Family & friends.  And chocolate.  Definitely chocolate.

On to the 2nd half of this journey...

Ray & I went to see the breast surgeon, Dr. Jacobs, on Friday.  It's hard to believe it's been almost 6 months since we've walked into the breast center to discuss my options.  I really like the breast surgeon & feel really comfortable with her.  We discussed my options and I'm pretty sure we've come to something we're both comfortable with.  (I won't go into detail since I know my audience isn't all female LOL)

We've confirmed surgery for July 8th, although the Doc's assistant/scheduler lady (who I wasn't impressed with in Jan) said she needs the Doc's surgery notes before setting it in stone.  I asked what I'd need for after surgery to be more comfortable and she said that Dr. Chang, the plastic surgeon, would go over that with me.  So I still have no idea what to expect as far as recovery time, etc.  I know I'll be in the hospital for 23 hours after surgery but that's about all I do know.  I did find out from a fb support group that women in Australia stay in the hospital for 7 days after surgery!

I'm feeling pretty decent after my last Taxol.  I'm still pretty tired and my mouth feels like I burned it, making eating painful.  I expect to feel much better by Wed.  I have a follow up for bloodwork tomorrow & I'm supposed to see my oncologist again in 2 weeks to make sure all looks good for surgery.  Then I'll see her again 2 weeks after surgery to go over the pathology from the lymph nodes that'll be removed during surgery (to make sure that there's no cancer in them).  If they do find cancer, I'll have to have radiation, but so far nothing indicates that I have any lymph node involvement.

I think the worst of this journey is over.  I know the surgeries will be tough to heal from, but it can't be as hard as chemo was.  From what everyone has told me, chemo is the worst part of all this.  I'm so glad that we decided to do chemo first and that I'm done with it!

And I'm done!!!

Today was a very good day.  Not only did the sun decide to come out on my last day of chemo, but God was also watching out for me because I didn't even have a reaction to the Taxol!  This was quite a feat, according to my nurse.  She told me after I finished that usually reactions just get worse and worse each time so she was expecting a bad one from me (no wonder she had all the meds all lined up on her cart as well as the blood pressure machine close!).  But apparently I'm not normal LOL  Nikki also said that she thinks I'll do great with the surgery, since I'm strong.  She said she worries about some people.  That's really nice to hear from someone who deals with cancer patients on a daily basis.

Today's post is going to be picture heavy because I took a TON.  I had to make sure this day was well documented!

Here's a keychain I had made for my nurse, she loved it.

And the infamous Nikki.  She's such a great nurse, I was lucky to have her.

Here we are in the parking lot afterwards!

It's not a celebration without a cake.

And finally, my newest chemo shirt that I'll wear with pride!

I know I'll be tired and have bone ache in a few days, but I definitely think this will be the best side effects throughout this journey- because they will be the last!  I honestly felt like this day would never come, but it finally did.  Thank you all for so much love and support- I couldn't have gotten through this without all my friends, family and of course my faith in God.  Through Him, all things are possible!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow!

Tomorrow is my last day of chemo!!  I could shout it from the rooftops!  I'm not psyched about having another reaction to the taxol (because I'm sure it'll happen), but I'm so glad to be done with this chapter of my journey.  I honestly never thought this day would come.

I meant to order a special shirt from somewhere to wear for the last chemo, but I waited too long, so instead I bought iron on letters and limped through getting this made.  Those numbers did not want to stick to the shirt!  But it's good enough to wear and the numbers are about as raggedy looking as I've felt these last few months.

I still need to put together a few little special things for my nurse that I've picked up for her.  I'd love to make cupcakes like this, but I'm not sure if I'll have time.  Maybe I'll buy premade and just add some nipples to them LOL

Aren't those adorable? :P

On the horizon is an appointment with the breast surgeon this Friday and then the plastic surgeon next month.  I'm not sure if I'll have to start the 10 years of preventative meds right away, but I guess the oncologist will let me know at my follow up next week.

I can't wait to shout that I'm cancer free!!!!

Stupid Taxol

Today I had dose #3 of Taxol- only 1 more to go!  Although I was given extra benadryl and steroids before starting the Taxol, I still had a reaction.  ugh.  Luckily we caught it early again and just another little bit of steroids brought me back to normal and I was able to finish the dose.  My nurse asked the oncologist what to do if I had another reaction when we resumed, and she said we'd have to nix it and figure something else out.  I'm not even sure what that would entail, but I imagine it would mean that May 24th wouldn't be my last chemo.  So, I was relieved when I didn't have another reaction when she started it up again.  Of course now I'm going to be hopped up on steroids for the next week, but hey, maybe that means I'll get more done around the house this week?  It did make my day really long.  We got there around 9:30 and didn't get home until around 4:15.  We figured out that in my little 4 chair section, we saw at least 8 people come, get treatments, and go.

I did meet a really nice woman who sat across from me for an hour or so.  I overheard her talking to the nurse about dogs so we started chatting.  It turns out she works & volunteers at the Humane Society and has a couple of german shepherds.  She actually trains with a guy that I've met at a few schutzhund trials (who also does schutzhund).  Very cool!  We won't see each other again (I know I've seen her before) so we exchanged numbers/email addresses.  She had breast cancer 16 years ago and went through all the treatments and a double mastectomy.  She discovered that it's back, but this time it's in her liver & bones :(  So, she'll basically have to have chemo for the rest of her life.

Hearing stories like that really scares me.  I asked my nurse how often she has people come back in with cancer years later and she said it happens, but it depends on the type of cancer.  I'm trying to tell myself that maybe she has the BRCA gene but didn't know because they didn't test way back when or maybe her breast cancer was triple negative (which is the worst kind to have).  The nurse also said that it's more likely if there is lymph node involvement and as far as I know, mine aren't involved (we'll find out for sure after they pull a few out during surgery and do tests).  I guess I'll just have to have faith that when the doc says it's gone, it's really gone.

I did get to watch a movie on one of the provided tablets today, so that made my infusion go a bit faster.  The last couple of times I've been there, I couldn't get the movies to load, so it was a nice treat!  I finally got to see The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, which I've been wanting to see.  It was good, although the reflection from the lights made it hard to see during dark parts.

I can't really believe that I'm almost done with chemo!  I guess I'd better enjoy going hatless for the next few weeks, because I know that once it starts growing back in, I'm going to have to cover it up LOL  I'm sure it'll take a while to grow out long enough that I'll feel comfortable going without a hat.

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss

Last night Ray surprised me with a dinner out with friends for my birthday!  It was a really great night and I had so much fun with some of my closest friends.  And I was actually really surprised- I had no idea we were even going out to dinner until my mom just randomly showed up (which doesn't happen regularly because she lives just over an hour away).

It's kind of a big birthday coming up this Saturday and although I didn't count the candles, I'm pretty sure based on how my cake looked like it was on fire, that the count was accurate LOL

While getting ready I contemplated wearing my wig, but I don't really feel very comfortable in it- it feels like I'm lying.  Although it's a very good match to my hair, I feel like people will be able to tell it's a wig, so I prefer to go without.  I'm not a big make-up wearing person, so imagine my surprise when I went to put on my mascara and realized that I don't have eyelashes in the corners of my eyes! 

 This is where ignorance is bliss :P  I can't lie, it made me pretty sad when I realized this.  I'm happy that my eyebrows, although have thinned, haven't completely disappeared. They've definitely thinned on the outer edges, which is pretty random. I'm hoping they stick around for the rest of my treatments.  

This isn't really how I planned to spend my 40th birthday- bald and fat.  But it is what it is and I'm doing my best to not be depressed about it.  This was going to be my year to get fit but cancer had other ideas. I will be starting a new decade of my life fighting and I'm okay with that.

So the new plan is "fit for 41" LOL  I'm considering starting another blog once I finish chemo dedicated to getting healthy again (and hopefully losing weight too).  stay tuned!

This week's Taxol experience

It's so strange how differently I feel after this Taxol than the first dose.  Last time I was SO achey, had a sore throat and was very tired.  This time, I actually had a reaction to the dose (shortness of breath), so they pushed an 'emergency' steroid as well as more benadryl, which made it possible for me to get the rest of the Taxol dose without issue.  Here it is Friday and I swear I'm still jittery from the extra steroids!  Fortunately, I don't have as much achiness or the sore throat but I'm still super tired.  Fatigued is probably a more accurate word- I just feel like I physically can't do anything, my body is so tired.
I can tell my taste buds are changing as well- things just don't really taste right.  Like everything is muted and there's a weird taste in my mouth.  It's not extreme though, so bearable.

Beyond that, I'm just chugging along.  I can't wait to be done with this part of the journey.

I have a couple of appointments coming up- I see the breast surgeon on May 27 & the plastic surgeon on June 16.  I'm figuring I'll have another MRI between now and then to see how the lump is looking.  It does feel very different- still there but much softer and less defined.  The surgery is still tentatively scheduled for July 8th.

A few notes on healthcare

Another week down, only about 7 to go until this journey is over.  Well, at least this part of the journey is almost over.  I'll be honest, it's been a lot harder than I ever could have imagined.  But the support I've gotten has been beyond what I could have ever expected too.  From the cards, the messages, the meals and gift cards.  Opening the door on a completely craptastic day last week and finding these beautiful flowers from ladies that I've known (and loved!) online for the last 4 years:

I even had a friend INSIST on going grocery shopping for me earlier this week, even though I told her I didn't need her to (thank you so much Briana, we are so going to miss you!). If ya'll know me, you know that it's really hard for me to ask for help.  But I haven't even had to.  It seriously brings me to tears to think of all the people who've helped me in some way.  I just hope that someday I can pay all of this love and support forward!  

I met with my oncologist yesterday- they've worked it out so I see her about every two weeks. She's such a nice person and I'm glad she didn't act weird when I cried a little about all of this LOL  She promised me that chemo is the absolute worst part of this journey and reminded me that I'm over halfway there.  It definitely takes a special person to make this a career and to help people.  I've been fortunate to have really great doctors and nurses tend to me so far.

I was asked AGAIN yesterday if I had a referral.  This happened early March and I had a meltdown because it was on a chemo day and I was so scared that they wouldn't let me do chemo and it'd screw up my schedule.  They told me to call my doc's office, but luckily this time I didn't stress because I knew that I had a referral but just didn't have it with me (I keep it with my chemo bag that I only bring on chemo days).  I knew my doc's office didn't open until 11am on Tuesdays so I told her I'd call later.  Then I was told to stop by the financial office before I left.  My question is, if they have a financial office, why can't THEY call and ask for a referral?  Why put that on the back of someone who is fighting cancer?  Seriously, it makes absolutely no sense to me.  I wanted to tell the receptionist CALL THEM YOURSELVES.  ugh.  I also got back my claim for the wig, err, prosthetic device, saying that my claim wasn't complete.  I had a referral from my doctor but apparently saying I had breast cancer and am going through chemo isn't enough of a reason for them to cover the cost of my wig :/  what the heck?  argh.  I know I shouldn't complain too much because we have great insurance, but little stuff like this has put me over the edge just too many times.  Of course I forgot to ask my oncologist about writing a new prescription for the wig, so hopefully I'll remember to bring it up next week at chemo.

I just realized that I forgot to sing the praises of my most awesome supporter- Ray.  Today we've been married for 14 years and there's a lot of things that I wouldn't have been able to get through without him, but especially this.  He's been my rock, supporting me on my bad days and encouraging me to continue to do the things I enjoy on my good days.  He takes care of the kids, makes dinners (kind of- hot dogs and chips is a dinner, right? :P ), does laundry, cleans up when he can & pretends not to notice the weight I've gained.  So, to you, my dear Ray, I say thank you so much for being the best husband and father I could have ever imagined.  You are my everything and I love you to the moon and back!  Happy Anniversary!!