All the feels

I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions while riding this Cancer ride.  I've tried to be as positive and upbeat as possible, using my humor to get me through.  In the beginning though, I had many tears, worrying about the twins not remembering me, missing out on all of the children's lives and just not being able to be here for them. But once I was given all the information about my diagnosis, I knew that it wasn't worst case and I'd make it through.

Chemo was tough and it brought me to my knees several times.  There were some days when I just didn't think I could deal with the side effects for one more day.  I cried to my oncologist, who promised me that this was the worst of it and I would get through.  And somehow I did.

Back when I was first diagnosed and met with the breast surgeon, she told us about my options.  I could opt for a lumpectomy (which would require radiation after), a single mastectomy or a double mastectomy.  Not that I'd ever really thought that hard about it, or that I would actually have to make the decision, but I've always said I'd do a double if I were to get breast cancer.  I knew at that first appointment that getting rid of both breasts would give me the most peace of mind.  So I never really considered anything other than what I had done.

I'd done research and looked at pictures of women post-mastectomy.  I knew that most women don't get to keep their nipples so I wasn't shocked when my breast surgeon said she wasn't comfortable saving my nipple (because the lump was basically attached to it).

In the days leading up to surgery, I mourned the loss of my breasts- they were the first thing that made me feel like a woman, after all.  I nursed all 5 of my babies with those breasts.  Those breasts had been a source of comfort to my children for the past almost 13 years.  They were saggy from growing and getting smaller repeatedly, but they were mine.

 I wasn't exactly sure what to expect the first time I saw my new chest- I'd seen plenty of pictures with scars but I never really saw any pictures from right after surgery.  My plastic surgeon told me that I could take off the gauze on Sunday and take a shower, so that's when I got my first real look.

You guys, I was devastated when I took off my surgical bra.  I look deformed and where my breasts used to be are these weird plastic-y feeling lumps (the skin expanders).  I'm not a vain person, I really am not, but I cried and cried and cried.  I'm just so sad.  I never expected to be hit this hard with sadness.  I was fine with losing my hair, which I've always thought was one of my greatest attributes.  I wasn't happy about gaining weight, but I know I can lose it when this is all over.  But this?  My chest is forever changed.  I know that the plastic surgeon will make it look so much better than it looks now, but it's still so awful seeing myself this way.  It'll get better but for now, I'm just sad.

I am doing a little bit better today- I had a really good ugly cry last night and decided to focus on the positive- being cancer free.  But if you see me and I look sad, just know that I'm still mourning all that I have lost.  It's okay though, you don't have to say anything or even try to understand.  I hope you'll never have to understand this feeling of loss!  I hope that this sadness will gradually fade and soon it'll be a distant memory.

I love you all and am so grateful for all of the support you've shown over the last 7 months.  This roller coaster has not completed it's course yet, so be prepared to see some more ups and downs from me.  Thank you for taking this ride with me and encouraging me along the way.