It's getting closer!!

The countdown continues!  19 days- just 3 week from today I'll be in the operating room.  Here's the official countdown:  The final countdown

I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday and got more of an idea of surgery schedules.  It looks like surgery #2 will be anywhere from 3-4 months after my first surgery. Then the 3rd surgery will be anytime after 3 months, depending on when I want to do it (I'm thinking next spring).

I've read that I can never be declared "cured!" or even in remission (doesn't that imply that it'll eventually come back?  at least it does to me) but I've learned a new acronym to embrace.  NED.  NED= no evidence of disease.  My goal is to stay in the NED category for the rest of my life!

Once I found out that my cancer was contained to the breast and I knew the road of treatments ahead, I thought, "okay, this will be a tough year in my life, but soon it'll just be a blip in my lifetime, another obstacle cleared."  but the closer "the end" gets, the more I realize that it won't be just something that happened to me, but will affect the rest of my life.  Breast Cancer will always be there, lurking in the dark- every bone ache or random bump/lump etc is going to make me worry, "is it back?" But I'll try not to let it be anything but a niggling thought in the back of my mind.

I've learned a lot throughout this journey.  I know I've talked about it before, but with all the recent tragedies involving children and the judgement that has come from those on social media, I realized how much my cancer treatment has changed my way of thinking.  I hate to admit that once I would have asked, "why wasn't that parent watching the child?" as if I could be the world's most perfect parent (this thought coming mostly before I actually had kids, because let's be honest, we all thought we'd be the best parents before we actually had kids).  Motherhood definitely changed my thoughts on these situations (goodness knows I've lost track of one of my kids more than once) but Cancer has changed it further.  I no longer judge others, or if I begin to, I remind myself that unless I've walked in their shoes, I have no idea what's going on in their life.  It's not our place to judge and instead of judging others, we need to help them.  There have been so many times that I've been halfway through the grocery store when my 2 toddlers acting a fool- crying or running away from me or just being ridiculously silly and not listening.  Instead of the dirty looks, it sure would be nice for someone to offer, "hey, I'll watch your cart while you chase after those little ones!" Let's get back to the village we once used to be- let's help each other instead of breaking each other down with judgement and ridicule.  Do something nice today!

I have an official surgery date!

I got a call back from the breast surgeon's office and surgery is set for July 8!  We had to make a few other appointments- a pre-op "teaching" appointment with a nurse to discuss all the after-surgery stuff, a post-op appointment scheduled and even an appointment for a pre-op physical with my PCM.

I kind of can't believe it's finally scheduled.  It seems like just yesterday we had the consult with the plastic surgeon and he said to call about 3 months out to start the scheduling process.  It's really all coming together!

In other news, I finally returned to the gym this morning. Woot!  I went in with guns a blazin' and did a R.I.P.P.E.D class.  As anyone familiar with this class knows, it's a toughie!  Although I had to do a lot of modification (you'd be surprised how much chemo and inactivity can take from a body!), I had a lot of fun and it was good to be back.  I've been trying to eat better since June 1st and although I haven't been perfect, I've been doing pretty well.  My goal is to lose as much of this chemo weight as I can before surgery.

But...at the same time, I'm trying to allow myself some Grace.  As someone reminded me this morning (thanks Maria!), I need to allow myself Grace through this experience.  I gained over 20lbs while getting through chemo.  Could I have gained less?  Maybe.  But I did (and ate!) what I needed to get me through and you know what?  That's okay.  I could have maybe eaten more salads and less chocolate.  But the most important thing is that I made it through.  

I have a feeling someday I'm going to look back and really wonder how the heck I did it.  5 kids, the 2 youngest being 3 year old very active twins (who aren't even in preschool, yikes!), continuing with my dog training (which, I have to admit, is my me time and I wouldn't give it up unless I absolutely have to) & trying to keep some semblance of normalcy at home...it wasn't pretty, but i did it.

Some days were pretty crappy.  Some days I felt like giving up.  Some days were amazing.  Some days I cried.  Most days I laughed.  I thank God for every one of those days.  Having cancer has helped me to really realize what's important in life.  Family & friends.  And chocolate.  Definitely chocolate.

On to the 2nd half of this journey...

Ray & I went to see the breast surgeon, Dr. Jacobs, on Friday.  It's hard to believe it's been almost 6 months since we've walked into the breast center to discuss my options.  I really like the breast surgeon & feel really comfortable with her.  We discussed my options and I'm pretty sure we've come to something we're both comfortable with.  (I won't go into detail since I know my audience isn't all female LOL)

We've confirmed surgery for July 8th, although the Doc's assistant/scheduler lady (who I wasn't impressed with in Jan) said she needs the Doc's surgery notes before setting it in stone.  I asked what I'd need for after surgery to be more comfortable and she said that Dr. Chang, the plastic surgeon, would go over that with me.  So I still have no idea what to expect as far as recovery time, etc.  I know I'll be in the hospital for 23 hours after surgery but that's about all I do know.  I did find out from a fb support group that women in Australia stay in the hospital for 7 days after surgery!

I'm feeling pretty decent after my last Taxol.  I'm still pretty tired and my mouth feels like I burned it, making eating painful.  I expect to feel much better by Wed.  I have a follow up for bloodwork tomorrow & I'm supposed to see my oncologist again in 2 weeks to make sure all looks good for surgery.  Then I'll see her again 2 weeks after surgery to go over the pathology from the lymph nodes that'll be removed during surgery (to make sure that there's no cancer in them).  If they do find cancer, I'll have to have radiation, but so far nothing indicates that I have any lymph node involvement.

I think the worst of this journey is over.  I know the surgeries will be tough to heal from, but it can't be as hard as chemo was.  From what everyone has told me, chemo is the worst part of all this.  I'm so glad that we decided to do chemo first and that I'm done with it!

And I'm done!!!

Today was a very good day.  Not only did the sun decide to come out on my last day of chemo, but God was also watching out for me because I didn't even have a reaction to the Taxol!  This was quite a feat, according to my nurse.  She told me after I finished that usually reactions just get worse and worse each time so she was expecting a bad one from me (no wonder she had all the meds all lined up on her cart as well as the blood pressure machine close!).  But apparently I'm not normal LOL  Nikki also said that she thinks I'll do great with the surgery, since I'm strong.  She said she worries about some people.  That's really nice to hear from someone who deals with cancer patients on a daily basis.

Today's post is going to be picture heavy because I took a TON.  I had to make sure this day was well documented!

Here's a keychain I had made for my nurse, she loved it.

And the infamous Nikki.  She's such a great nurse, I was lucky to have her.

Here we are in the parking lot afterwards!

It's not a celebration without a cake.

And finally, my newest chemo shirt that I'll wear with pride!

I know I'll be tired and have bone ache in a few days, but I definitely think this will be the best side effects throughout this journey- because they will be the last!  I honestly felt like this day would never come, but it finally did.  Thank you all for so much love and support- I couldn't have gotten through this without all my friends, family and of course my faith in God.  Through Him, all things are possible!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow!

Tomorrow is my last day of chemo!!  I could shout it from the rooftops!  I'm not psyched about having another reaction to the taxol (because I'm sure it'll happen), but I'm so glad to be done with this chapter of my journey.  I honestly never thought this day would come.

I meant to order a special shirt from somewhere to wear for the last chemo, but I waited too long, so instead I bought iron on letters and limped through getting this made.  Those numbers did not want to stick to the shirt!  But it's good enough to wear and the numbers are about as raggedy looking as I've felt these last few months.

I still need to put together a few little special things for my nurse that I've picked up for her.  I'd love to make cupcakes like this, but I'm not sure if I'll have time.  Maybe I'll buy premade and just add some nipples to them LOL

Aren't those adorable? :P

On the horizon is an appointment with the breast surgeon this Friday and then the plastic surgeon next month.  I'm not sure if I'll have to start the 10 years of preventative meds right away, but I guess the oncologist will let me know at my follow up next week.

I can't wait to shout that I'm cancer free!!!!

Stupid Taxol

Today I had dose #3 of Taxol- only 1 more to go!  Although I was given extra benadryl and steroids before starting the Taxol, I still had a reaction.  ugh.  Luckily we caught it early again and just another little bit of steroids brought me back to normal and I was able to finish the dose.  My nurse asked the oncologist what to do if I had another reaction when we resumed, and she said we'd have to nix it and figure something else out.  I'm not even sure what that would entail, but I imagine it would mean that May 24th wouldn't be my last chemo.  So, I was relieved when I didn't have another reaction when she started it up again.  Of course now I'm going to be hopped up on steroids for the next week, but hey, maybe that means I'll get more done around the house this week?  It did make my day really long.  We got there around 9:30 and didn't get home until around 4:15.  We figured out that in my little 4 chair section, we saw at least 8 people come, get treatments, and go.

I did meet a really nice woman who sat across from me for an hour or so.  I overheard her talking to the nurse about dogs so we started chatting.  It turns out she works & volunteers at the Humane Society and has a couple of german shepherds.  She actually trains with a guy that I've met at a few schutzhund trials (who also does schutzhund).  Very cool!  We won't see each other again (I know I've seen her before) so we exchanged numbers/email addresses.  She had breast cancer 16 years ago and went through all the treatments and a double mastectomy.  She discovered that it's back, but this time it's in her liver & bones :(  So, she'll basically have to have chemo for the rest of her life.

Hearing stories like that really scares me.  I asked my nurse how often she has people come back in with cancer years later and she said it happens, but it depends on the type of cancer.  I'm trying to tell myself that maybe she has the BRCA gene but didn't know because they didn't test way back when or maybe her breast cancer was triple negative (which is the worst kind to have).  The nurse also said that it's more likely if there is lymph node involvement and as far as I know, mine aren't involved (we'll find out for sure after they pull a few out during surgery and do tests).  I guess I'll just have to have faith that when the doc says it's gone, it's really gone.

I did get to watch a movie on one of the provided tablets today, so that made my infusion go a bit faster.  The last couple of times I've been there, I couldn't get the movies to load, so it was a nice treat!  I finally got to see The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, which I've been wanting to see.  It was good, although the reflection from the lights made it hard to see during dark parts.

I can't really believe that I'm almost done with chemo!  I guess I'd better enjoy going hatless for the next few weeks, because I know that once it starts growing back in, I'm going to have to cover it up LOL  I'm sure it'll take a while to grow out long enough that I'll feel comfortable going without a hat.

Sometimes ignorance really is bliss

Last night Ray surprised me with a dinner out with friends for my birthday!  It was a really great night and I had so much fun with some of my closest friends.  And I was actually really surprised- I had no idea we were even going out to dinner until my mom just randomly showed up (which doesn't happen regularly because she lives just over an hour away).

It's kind of a big birthday coming up this Saturday and although I didn't count the candles, I'm pretty sure based on how my cake looked like it was on fire, that the count was accurate LOL

While getting ready I contemplated wearing my wig, but I don't really feel very comfortable in it- it feels like I'm lying.  Although it's a very good match to my hair, I feel like people will be able to tell it's a wig, so I prefer to go without.  I'm not a big make-up wearing person, so imagine my surprise when I went to put on my mascara and realized that I don't have eyelashes in the corners of my eyes! 

 This is where ignorance is bliss :P  I can't lie, it made me pretty sad when I realized this.  I'm happy that my eyebrows, although have thinned, haven't completely disappeared. They've definitely thinned on the outer edges, which is pretty random. I'm hoping they stick around for the rest of my treatments.  

This isn't really how I planned to spend my 40th birthday- bald and fat.  But it is what it is and I'm doing my best to not be depressed about it.  This was going to be my year to get fit but cancer had other ideas. I will be starting a new decade of my life fighting and I'm okay with that.

So the new plan is "fit for 41" LOL  I'm considering starting another blog once I finish chemo dedicated to getting healthy again (and hopefully losing weight too).  stay tuned!