Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I can't believe it's October already- where did 2019 go?!  Funny how time can fly when things are "normal" but 2016 felt like the longest year of my life.  4 months of chemo & many months of surgeries felt like a lifetime.

As most of you know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  There is so much hype about "going pink" and "save the tatas" and pretty pink ribbons. I've wanted to bring awareness to the honest, ugly side of breast cancer but I've been a bit shy about sharing unflattering photos.  But now I'm far enough away from that time that, although I hate looking at the pictures, I'm ready to share them with you.  My journey was such a roller coaster and I'll always remember the kindness and love that I received.  But I'll never forget the tears and anger that still sometimes come without notice.  The chemo sucked so much but the emotions that came with surgery were unexpected and more painful than I ever imagined.

So here we go.  Fair warning, if you're squeamish or just don't want to see the photos, I won't be offended, I promise!

This is the last photo of have of my former boobs, taken the morning of surgery on July 8, 2016:

I woke up with bandages and these gross drains stitched to my sides.  

I didn't get bandages off for a few days and it was done at the plastic surgeon's office.  I cried ya'll.  UGLY cried.  He promised me that this wasn't what they'd always look like.  But I cried a lot that first week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks.  I thought I was strong and I was flippant about having my breasts amputated.  "Take them!  They're trying to kill me!  I don't need them any more..."  But it turns out no matter how strong you think you are, you can't prepare yourself for how you'll feel after a surgery like this.  Originally we'd planned to do areola sparing surgery (I had to lose my left nipple due to the lump being attached to it) but my plastic surgeon cautioned against it.  My surgeon and I had discussed where to expect the scars.  But that was for the areola sparing surgery, not the one I ended up having. I hadn't expected these terrible slashes where my nipples used to be.  But that's what I saw when he did the unveiling.

This is my first post mastectomy photo.  

I had to go in every 2 weeks to have him do a fill to stretch the skin for the implants.  The bosu ball-like skin expanders got bigger in preparation for implants in December. 

First fill:

2nd fill:

There were a couple more fills but I didn't document them with pictures.

I had my implants put in on Dec 2nd, 2016.  You'll notice the rippling near the top- without any breast tissue, even with the new gel implants, every ripple caused by moving/how they sit shows.  

This time the scars were below (the plastic surgeon didn't want to cut into the delicate 

stretched skin where my other scars are.

If memory serves me right, I cried at the unveiling of this process as well.  I still wasn't used to not having nipples (it's like a face without a nose!) and emotions were high.

Implants about 2 weeks after surgery:

We waited for the implants to settle and in March of 2017 the plastic surgeon did fat grafting.  He took fat from my stomach (at this point I had plenty extra- I gained 30lbs with chemo) and put it around the 'foobs', as I like to call them.  Of course this surgery was a day after Ray left to move ahead of us to TX, but luckily my mom was close by and was able to take me to surgery and help care for the kiddos.  

Bruising right after surgery:

It got worse before it got better: 

This is what they look like now, settled and completely healed:  

I thought I wanted nipples tattooed on, but now I'm most likely going to have someone draw the kids' birth month flowers and have them tattooed across my scars.  Everyone has nipples, I want something pretty!  

This tattoo has always been an inspiration, although I'll have different & more flowers and in color.

Thanks for taking this journey with me and all the support you've given.  You'll never know how much your support meant through my darkest days.  I am so fortunate to have 5 wonderful supportive kids as well as the world's best husband.  I'm so glad to be looking back instead of in the middle of it. Onward from here on out!