The 24hour countdown

Welp, this time tomorrow I'll be getting prepped for surgery.  It's really happening.  I think I'm as ready as I can be.

Old Lady robe that snaps up the front-  check
Button up old fashioned pjs- check
extra pillows- check
little pillows for under my arms- check
button up shirts to go out into the world if I feel like it- check
the last season of OITNB to kill time- check

I got a lanyard to hang my drains on when I finally get to shower but can't find it now.  That's not helpful at all!  Oops.  I've done a good cleaning of the living room, kitchen and my room.  The kids need to work on the basement, but I'll let Ray deal with that and the bathrooms :P

Ready or not, tomorrow's the day.  Please just send easy surgery & quick recovery prayers and vibes.  And pathology that shows it has not spread!

Less than a week now- yikes!

I can't believe my surgery date is quickly approaching!  Ray and I went to see the nurse at the breast surgeon's office yesterday to discuss the day of surgery and aftercare.  It sounds like it's going to be a pretty painful experience, but luckily I'll be given some good narcotics to keep me from feeling too much of it.

I also saw a physical therapist.  She did a special test to check the "flow" up and down my arm.  A flow of what, I'm not entirely sure, but it's important to have that information.  They'll be taking out 2-3 lymph nodes during surgery to biopsy, which disrupts the lymphatic system and can cause lymphedema.  With the results of the test she performed, they can detect lymphedema by testing the flow every 3 months to see if things have changed, catching it much sooner than when I'd have symptoms.   I'm hoping I don't ever get it, but it can show up as far as 5 years out from surgery.  The PT said that it's pretty much a crap shoot on who will get it so I'm glad that they are being proactive about it.  I really feel great about the care that I'm getting here.  Johns Hopkins is definitely on top of all the newest medical interventions,

I'll be having a whole team of surgeons working on me on Friday.  The breast surgeon will do the mastectomy, the plastic surgeon will place skin expanders to begin reconstruction and my gyn will go through my belly button and do a tubal (taking my fallopian tubes).  My breast cancer can grow with hormones, so I can no longer use birth control with hormones, so we've decided the best option is "tying my tubes".  Although I know we are done having children, I am pretty sad to be losing my fertility.  That chapter of my life will be closed for sure.  

There's definitely a lot more to this surgery than I anticipated, but I think as long as I'm prepared, I'll be okay.  I survived chemo, I can survive this.  

4 weeks since chemo...just over 2 weeks til surgery

These dates will forever be tattooed into my brain:
diagnosis:  Dec 23, 2016
First chemo:  Feb 2, 2016
last chemo- May 24, 2016
first surgery- July 8, 2016

Every month that I get to celebrate another month since diagnosis is a victory for me.  Life will never be the same.  I look back at pictures BD (before diagnosis) and I think, "poor girl, you just have no idea what's in store for you- how your body and mind and life is going to change."  This has definitely changed me.

Speaking of change, I'm getting hair!  Well, I *think* it's hair, it feels more like peach fuzz and is coming in really really light (dare I say white?!).  I've heard that sometimes the chemo can make the first hair come in without color- so I hope that's what's happening here LOL   Here's the best picture that I can get of 4 weeks post chemo:

I do have some dark hair coming in too, but it's much shorter so hard to see.  My head kind of looks like an old man head right now, so I'm having to wear a hat when I'm out now.  It sucks because it's so hot!  I'm hoping my hair starts growing quicker and I can stop wearing the hats soon.

It's getting closer!!

The countdown continues!  19 days- just 3 week from today I'll be in the operating room.  Here's the official countdown:  The final countdown

I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday and got more of an idea of surgery schedules.  It looks like surgery #2 will be anywhere from 3-4 months after my first surgery. Then the 3rd surgery will be anytime after 3 months, depending on when I want to do it (I'm thinking next spring).

I've read that I can never be declared "cured!" or even in remission (doesn't that imply that it'll eventually come back?  at least it does to me) but I've learned a new acronym to embrace.  NED.  NED= no evidence of disease.  My goal is to stay in the NED category for the rest of my life!

Once I found out that my cancer was contained to the breast and I knew the road of treatments ahead, I thought, "okay, this will be a tough year in my life, but soon it'll just be a blip in my lifetime, another obstacle cleared."  but the closer "the end" gets, the more I realize that it won't be just something that happened to me, but will affect the rest of my life.  Breast Cancer will always be there, lurking in the dark- every bone ache or random bump/lump etc is going to make me worry, "is it back?" But I'll try not to let it be anything but a niggling thought in the back of my mind.

I've learned a lot throughout this journey.  I know I've talked about it before, but with all the recent tragedies involving children and the judgement that has come from those on social media, I realized how much my cancer treatment has changed my way of thinking.  I hate to admit that once I would have asked, "why wasn't that parent watching the child?" as if I could be the world's most perfect parent (this thought coming mostly before I actually had kids, because let's be honest, we all thought we'd be the best parents before we actually had kids).  Motherhood definitely changed my thoughts on these situations (goodness knows I've lost track of one of my kids more than once) but Cancer has changed it further.  I no longer judge others, or if I begin to, I remind myself that unless I've walked in their shoes, I have no idea what's going on in their life.  It's not our place to judge and instead of judging others, we need to help them.  There have been so many times that I've been halfway through the grocery store when my 2 toddlers acting a fool- crying or running away from me or just being ridiculously silly and not listening.  Instead of the dirty looks, it sure would be nice for someone to offer, "hey, I'll watch your cart while you chase after those little ones!" Let's get back to the village we once used to be- let's help each other instead of breaking each other down with judgement and ridicule.  Do something nice today!

I have an official surgery date!

I got a call back from the breast surgeon's office and surgery is set for July 8!  We had to make a few other appointments- a pre-op "teaching" appointment with a nurse to discuss all the after-surgery stuff, a post-op appointment scheduled and even an appointment for a pre-op physical with my PCM.

I kind of can't believe it's finally scheduled.  It seems like just yesterday we had the consult with the plastic surgeon and he said to call about 3 months out to start the scheduling process.  It's really all coming together!

In other news, I finally returned to the gym this morning. Woot!  I went in with guns a blazin' and did a R.I.P.P.E.D class.  As anyone familiar with this class knows, it's a toughie!  Although I had to do a lot of modification (you'd be surprised how much chemo and inactivity can take from a body!), I had a lot of fun and it was good to be back.  I've been trying to eat better since June 1st and although I haven't been perfect, I've been doing pretty well.  My goal is to lose as much of this chemo weight as I can before surgery.

But...at the same time, I'm trying to allow myself some Grace.  As someone reminded me this morning (thanks Maria!), I need to allow myself Grace through this experience.  I gained over 20lbs while getting through chemo.  Could I have gained less?  Maybe.  But I did (and ate!) what I needed to get me through and you know what?  That's okay.  I could have maybe eaten more salads and less chocolate.  But the most important thing is that I made it through.  

I have a feeling someday I'm going to look back and really wonder how the heck I did it.  5 kids, the 2 youngest being 3 year old very active twins (who aren't even in preschool, yikes!), continuing with my dog training (which, I have to admit, is my me time and I wouldn't give it up unless I absolutely have to) & trying to keep some semblance of normalcy at home...it wasn't pretty, but i did it.

Some days were pretty crappy.  Some days I felt like giving up.  Some days were amazing.  Some days I cried.  Most days I laughed.  I thank God for every one of those days.  Having cancer has helped me to really realize what's important in life.  Family & friends.  And chocolate.  Definitely chocolate.

On to the 2nd half of this journey...

Ray & I went to see the breast surgeon, Dr. Jacobs, on Friday.  It's hard to believe it's been almost 6 months since we've walked into the breast center to discuss my options.  I really like the breast surgeon & feel really comfortable with her.  We discussed my options and I'm pretty sure we've come to something we're both comfortable with.  (I won't go into detail since I know my audience isn't all female LOL)

We've confirmed surgery for July 8th, although the Doc's assistant/scheduler lady (who I wasn't impressed with in Jan) said she needs the Doc's surgery notes before setting it in stone.  I asked what I'd need for after surgery to be more comfortable and she said that Dr. Chang, the plastic surgeon, would go over that with me.  So I still have no idea what to expect as far as recovery time, etc.  I know I'll be in the hospital for 23 hours after surgery but that's about all I do know.  I did find out from a fb support group that women in Australia stay in the hospital for 7 days after surgery!

I'm feeling pretty decent after my last Taxol.  I'm still pretty tired and my mouth feels like I burned it, making eating painful.  I expect to feel much better by Wed.  I have a follow up for bloodwork tomorrow & I'm supposed to see my oncologist again in 2 weeks to make sure all looks good for surgery.  Then I'll see her again 2 weeks after surgery to go over the pathology from the lymph nodes that'll be removed during surgery (to make sure that there's no cancer in them).  If they do find cancer, I'll have to have radiation, but so far nothing indicates that I have any lymph node involvement.

I think the worst of this journey is over.  I know the surgeries will be tough to heal from, but it can't be as hard as chemo was.  From what everyone has told me, chemo is the worst part of all this.  I'm so glad that we decided to do chemo first and that I'm done with it!

And I'm done!!!

Today was a very good day.  Not only did the sun decide to come out on my last day of chemo, but God was also watching out for me because I didn't even have a reaction to the Taxol!  This was quite a feat, according to my nurse.  She told me after I finished that usually reactions just get worse and worse each time so she was expecting a bad one from me (no wonder she had all the meds all lined up on her cart as well as the blood pressure machine close!).  But apparently I'm not normal LOL  Nikki also said that she thinks I'll do great with the surgery, since I'm strong.  She said she worries about some people.  That's really nice to hear from someone who deals with cancer patients on a daily basis.

Today's post is going to be picture heavy because I took a TON.  I had to make sure this day was well documented!

Here's a keychain I had made for my nurse, she loved it.

And the infamous Nikki.  She's such a great nurse, I was lucky to have her.

Here we are in the parking lot afterwards!

It's not a celebration without a cake.

And finally, my newest chemo shirt that I'll wear with pride!

I know I'll be tired and have bone ache in a few days, but I definitely think this will be the best side effects throughout this journey- because they will be the last!  I honestly felt like this day would never come, but it finally did.  Thank you all for so much love and support- I couldn't have gotten through this without all my friends, family and of course my faith in God.  Through Him, all things are possible!