Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I can't believe it's October already- where did 2019 go?!  Funny how time can fly when things are "normal" but 2016 felt like the longest year of my life.  4 months of chemo & many months of surgeries felt like a lifetime.

As most of you know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month.  There is so much hype about "going pink" and "save the tatas" and pretty pink ribbons. I've wanted to bring awareness to the honest, ugly side of breast cancer but I've been a bit shy about sharing unflattering photos.  But now I'm far enough away from that time that, although I hate looking at the pictures, I'm ready to share them with you.  My journey was such a roller coaster and I'll always remember the kindness and love that I received.  But I'll never forget the tears and anger that still sometimes come without notice.  The chemo sucked so much but the emotions that came with surgery were unexpected and more painful than I ever imagined.

So here we go.  Fair warning, if you're squeamish or just don't want to see the photos, I won't be offended, I promise!

This is the last photo of have of my former boobs, taken the morning of surgery on July 8, 2016:

I woke up with bandages and these gross drains stitched to my sides.  

I didn't get bandages off for a few days and it was done at the plastic surgeon's office.  I cried ya'll.  UGLY cried.  He promised me that this wasn't what they'd always look like.  But I cried a lot that first week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks.  I thought I was strong and I was flippant about having my breasts amputated.  "Take them!  They're trying to kill me!  I don't need them any more..."  But it turns out no matter how strong you think you are, you can't prepare yourself for how you'll feel after a surgery like this.  Originally we'd planned to do areola sparing surgery (I had to lose my left nipple due to the lump being attached to it) but my plastic surgeon cautioned against it.  My surgeon and I had discussed where to expect the scars.  But that was for the areola sparing surgery, not the one I ended up having. I hadn't expected these terrible slashes where my nipples used to be.  But that's what I saw when he did the unveiling.

This is my first post mastectomy photo.  

I had to go in every 2 weeks to have him do a fill to stretch the skin for the implants.  The bosu ball-like skin expanders got bigger in preparation for implants in December. 

First fill:

2nd fill:

There were a couple more fills but I didn't document them with pictures.

I had my implants put in on Dec 2nd, 2016.  You'll notice the rippling near the top- without any breast tissue, even with the new gel implants, every ripple caused by moving/how they sit shows.  

This time the scars were below (the plastic surgeon didn't want to cut into the delicate 

stretched skin where my other scars are.

If memory serves me right, I cried at the unveiling of this process as well.  I still wasn't used to not having nipples (it's like a face without a nose!) and emotions were high.

Implants about 2 weeks after surgery:

We waited for the implants to settle and in March of 2017 the plastic surgeon did fat grafting.  He took fat from my stomach (at this point I had plenty extra- I gained 30lbs with chemo) and put it around the 'foobs', as I like to call them.  Of course this surgery was a day after Ray left to move ahead of us to TX, but luckily my mom was close by and was able to take me to surgery and help care for the kiddos.  

Bruising right after surgery:

It got worse before it got better: 

This is what they look like now, settled and completely healed:  

I thought I wanted nipples tattooed on, but now I'm most likely going to have someone draw the kids' birth month flowers and have them tattooed across my scars.  Everyone has nipples, I want something pretty!  

This tattoo has always been an inspiration, although I'll have different & more flowers and in color.

Thanks for taking this journey with me and all the support you've given.  You'll never know how much your support meant through my darkest days.  I am so fortunate to have 5 wonderful supportive kids as well as the world's best husband.  I'm so glad to be looking back instead of in the middle of it. Onward from here on out!

One Year today

I wouldn't have posted this photo a year ago- me at one of my most vulnerable moments in my fight against breast cancer.

but today it represents how far I've come in the past year.  4 surgeries, countless appointments with my plastic surgeon for "fills" and follow ups with my oncologist and breast surgeon.  I've been cut, poked and prodded, have smiled and have cried.  I've had ups and downs but for the most part, today, I'm okay with what's left on my chest.  It's not the real me and I do still mourn what's gone.

But today I choose to celebrate!  This is the day I was declared NED- no evidence of disease.  When I really became a survivor.
I wore this shirt for the first time in a long time today:

It's strange because everyone I meet now (here in TX) doesn't know my story, which is kind of nice.  Although I'm afraid they think that this hairstyle is a choice LOL  (it's at a really awkward length right now). 

Hug your friends and family today and don't forget to check those boobies!

Final surgery and insignificant milestones

You guys, I ran out of conditioner the other day...for the first time since my hair started growing back in!  It's funny how these silly things that no one else would see as more than a nuisance, for me are something of a milestone.  I was so excited when I realized this was my first full bottle of conditioner.  Silly, but they are all my little victories.  My hair isn't growing in as fast as I'd like, but hey, I have hair, so that's all good.  Part of me wants to jump forward to 6 months from now where I'll be further away from my story.  But I've decided to instead just enjoy every day.  It's the little things, I'm trying to keep that in perspective.

In bigger news, I had my (hopefully) final surgery on Monday!  Things went well and I'm just basically really sore and very bruised.  The surgeon entered below my csection scar to get the fat for the grafting.  The pain is very reminiscent of my c-section.  The first couple of days were difficult, but I'm feeling much better today.

I'm so glad to be done with reconstruction.  I'm really hoping this is the last surgery!  The only thing that could go wrong is the fat gets reabsorbs and I'll have to do this again.

I will tell you, plastic surgery is no joke.  It was probably my hardest surgery to wake up from, as far as pain goes.  None of the heavy drugs that I have really touched the pain.  Not tylenol with codeine, not percocet or vicodin.  I stopped taking the meds on the morning of day 2 because they really didn't do much.  The bruising is pretty intense as well.  And of course, just my luck, every where that he put the fat is where I have feeling.  Go figure.  So if anyone tells you that they are having an elective surgery, don't judge.  It's just as hard to recover from than a necessary surgery.

The bruises are wicked and I have a feeling I'll come out of this with more scars than I went into it with, but I'm glad to be done.

Here's just a sample of the bruising around the foobs:

I have several holes (the best way to describe them) around my implants that I'm pretty sure will leave scarring, and of course the 2 bigger holes where he did the liposuction.    

What a roller coaster this past 15 months has been.  Our family is preparing for a new type of roller coaster but a much happier one.  We are no longer a military family, but a veteran family now that Ray has retired from the Marine Corps.  Ray has moved ahead of us to TX and we will follow at the end of May.  We're all so excited for a new life in a different state!

Another surgery during surgery time

**Warning for anyone who isn't the proud owner of their very own uterus:  This post contains 

some female stuff but I promise I won't be graphic**

In mid-November I got my first post-chemo period, which wasn't completely unexpected since my oncologist said that it was possible (yes, I really did just jump right in).  Due to pregnancies, nursing the twins and then an IUD (that I had removed during chemo), I haven't had a period since Jan of 2012.  So it was an unwelcome visitor, but at least a sign that I'm not in full blown menopause.  Anyway, imagine my surprise when just 2 weeks later I had another period begin.  So I called my oncologist's office and was told that it was probably nothing, but she wanted me to see my gynecologist for a checkup, just in case.  I finally was able to get in to see her on Friday.

I really expected her to tell me that it was just my body trying to readjust to getting a period.  Instead she told me that she suspected I'm dealing with uterine polyps.  Apparently tamoxifen (my anti-cancer medicine) has a tendency to cause extra tissue buildup in the uterus.  Her words were, "it's good for the breasts, but not so great for the uterus."  Great.  So she gave me a few options but since sometimes breast & uterine cancer are connected, we've decided to go with the option that will give us the most complete results.  

So, I'll be having an additional surgery while I'm under for the fat grafting surgery on March 3.  She will go into the uterus with a camera, look for polyps, scrape out all the extra tissue (ouch!) and then look for any "suspect" areas.  If she sees anything, she will take samples for testing.  

I'm not gonna lie, hearing the word cancer again freaks me out.  I'm sure it's nothing, I really am, but I'm finding myself feeling very anxious.  I think the combo of my 1 year anniversary since my first chemo and this news is freaking me out.  I haven't thought about chemo in a long time and just driving by the medical building yesterday made me uneasy.  

BUT I'm not going to think about it...we have so much going on in the next month that I have plenty to keep my hands and mind occupied! We're so busy with doctor's appointments, prepping for Ray's retirement (what?!) & our upcoming Disney vacation.  This will help keep my mind off of things!

Last surgery SCHEDULED!

I saw my plastic surgeon last week to follow up on my exchange surgery and we scheduled the (hopefully) final surgery!  I'll be going in March 3 for the fat grafting surgery.  I've heard it's not too bad to heal from, it just feels like you did a really hard workout.  I hope that's correct!  The surgeon will be taking the fat from my stomach, so I finally will have a flat stomach again.  Believe it or not, even after all 5 kids my stomach was pretty flat, but chemo did me in.

In other news, this popped up yesterday when I updated my weight in the fitbit app:

Pretty cool, eh?  It definitely took longer than I'd hoped, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn't gain weight over the holidays!  In fact, I lost weight.  I'm starting that boot camp challenge again next week so you'll be sure to see my early morning check ins on facebook.  I'll have to weigh in/do measurements about 9 days early because my surgery happens before the end of the challenge. Although he's returning the fat he's taking out to my body, it'll change my measurements.  So hopefully I can kill it between now and March 2.  

I've been off of sugar since Dec 31st and have been doing keto since Dec 27 (I had a slip up on New Year's Eve and had some ice cream).  If you don't know me well, this is quite the feat.  I'm feeling great and loving the keto way of life.  

I'm coming up on a lot of first anniversaries.  I'm going to be honest, sometimes it seemed like I'd never be looking back on my treatment.  It feels good to look forward to a happy healthy year instead of one fighting cancer.  

I see my oncologist tomorrow for my 2nd checkup since finishing chemo.  I'm going to talk to her about some issues I'm still having- like forgetfulness & a few side effects of the Tamoxifen.  I also think that chemo made me ADD.  I've always been a bit of an unorganized mess, but I'm a complete mess now.  I'm not sure there's much she can do for me, but dang, I need some help haha.

Good Riddance 2016!

A lot of people have been dubbing 2016 as the worst year ever on social media. Everyone has their reasons- from the deaths of so many wonderful celebrities to the election, Brexit, Allepo, and unfortunately, personal tragedies as well.  2016 was a pretty dang crappy year for me, beginning with diagnosis on Dec 23, 2015.  It was scary in the beginning, emotionally and physically draining through chemo and then the emotional roller coaster after my bilateral mastectomy.

I've learned so much about breast cancer and the different types.  Did you know that many people, including young women, are still dying from this disease?  I am in a group on facebook for young women with breast cancer (under 50).  We have lost so many women this year.  Women who were just beginning their lives as mothers, wives, sisters & daughters.  I am one of the lucky ones.  I went through the hell of treatment but I've come out the other side alive, mostly physically and emotionally intact.  I thank God every day that I am still here and I pray that no more beautiful lives are lost to this disease.

But I also learned a lot about myself in 2016- I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I could be.  I have learned to try to always interpret ill-spoken comments as well-meaning and not meant to be hurtful.  I offer others grace and am working on doing the same for myself.  I have learned what is truly important.  I learned how amazing my group of friends are and how willing they were to lend a hand.

When we wake up in 2 days on Jan 1, 2017, it won't be all flowers and rainbows and song. Cancer will not forever be gone from my life- I will be always looking over my shoulder and cancer will always be the first thought with every new ache and pain. We will all still need to fight the good fight and band together to help one another.  I still have faith in humanity, which this disease has shown me just how wonderful and caring people really are.

I thank everyone who has supported me and my family this past year- a prayer, a kind word, a shoulder to cry on and meals when I didn't feel so hot.  You all made it possible for me to get through cancer treatment.

2017 brings new challenges for the Longoria crew- Ray's retirement from the Marine Corps, a new job, a move to TX and a new way of life away from the military for all of us.  I wish you all a very happy and healthy 2017.  Don't forget to do those self-exams!

 From my crazy family to yours, Happy New Year!!

9 days post surgery and feeling a bit better

As many of you may have seen on facebook, I was disappointed with the results when I first saw my foobs last Monday.  The shape is very different than I expected and initially they felt very "plastic".  But they're feeling more natural now.  The rippling of the implant at the top is still somewhat obvious, but hopefully once I have the fat grafting done in early March, it won't be an issue anymore. I go back tomorrow to hopefully have the drains taken out.  They are such a pain!

I had a pretty crappy day that Monday after surgery, but that level of emotion is seriously draining.  I know it sounds crazy, but it's just easier to accept the results.  This doesn't mean that I won't continue to fight for the best new foobs, but the crying and such isn't worth the effort right now :P  I also trust my surgeon and know that he'll do everything he can to make me happy.

In other news, I've been thinking about tattoos.  Part of me wants to have nipple tattoos done, but a bigger part of me wants a really beautiful floral tattoo.  I always come back to this one:

isn't it beautiful?  I'd probably add some elements of me into it, but I'd love something like this.  Besides, only Ray, my docs and I would see them.  The tattoos will be the very last thing that happens, so it might be at least another year.  

So that's my latest update.  The plan is to do fat grafting early March.  Hopefully that'll make me happier!