One step closer to recovery

Hair watch 2016: 8 weeks after finishing chemo

It's coming in pretty well.  It's got more gray than before I lost it, but I'm chalking that up to my follicles not producing color for all the hairs yet.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

I was finally able to get my drains out yesterday!  I saw the breast surgeon on Monday but when they called the plastic surgeon's office to ask if they could pull the drains, he said he wanted to do it at my tuesday appt with him.  So it was one more night with those dang things.  I was worried that it would hurt having them pulled out, but I actually didn't feel anything- I had to ask if they were out.  The tube that was in my body was a lot longer than I expected.  The body is a pretty amazing machine.  The nurse just put some gauze and tape on it and said to change it a couple times a day.  There's still some drainage (tmi, sorry) but I feel SO much more free.  Here's a pic of one of the drains before I got it out:

I'm almost 3 weeks post-op and am feeling pretty good.  I have a weird tightness in my chest muscles so it hurts to raise my arms too high, so I'm starting the exercises the PT gave me to help with mobility.  I had my expanders filled for the first time yesterday.  It was really weird because he just put needles through my skin but I couldn't feel it at all.  He had to tell me to look away when he put the needle in. I was afraid I'd be uncomfortable for a long time afterwards, but since I have no feeling and the expanders aren't under the muscle, I was just a little sore yesterday but feel fine today.  I had the plastic surgeon explain how he is doing the implants because I was kind of freaking out about the expanders being over the muscle. Everything I've read says that implants above the muscle are more likely to travel, the skin isn't able to support them so it gets stretched out and other various issues.  He told me that he wraps the implant in alloderm (cadaver skin) and then tacks it to the muscle, so I won't have an issue with it moving where it's not supposed to go.  That made me feel so much better and stop worrying too much.  I knew I should trust him but I was still freaking out a bit.  

I still have 1 more important appointment to schedule and that's with my oncologist.  She will prescribe me a drug called Tamoxifen that I'll need to take for the next 10 years.  It should prevent my hormones from growing another cancerous tumor.  Hopefully I can get in to see her next week.

I saw my regular doctor yesterday to talk about how I've been feeling.  Luckily I'm getting used to the scars and with having the expanders filled, I look more like I actually have boobs, but I still have periods of sadness.  I was told by the breast surgeon that it's very common to have this issue after surgery.  She said a lot of people are so focused on getting through the treatments that once there are no more treatments, they have the time to sit back and realize that they had cancer and that they lost part of themselves (literally).  I can see what she means- we've been focusing on that next chemo, and then the surgery and also still being a mom and finishing up the school year and planning the summer.  I spent a lot of time in my room that first week after surgery and I had a lot of time to think and feel sorry for myself.  Maybe not feel sorry for myself, but let myself fall apart a bit.  I've tried to be so strong throughout this fight and I've stumbled many times, but for the most part, I think I've done a good job of staying positive.  

All that said, I still worry that people are going to expect me to go back to being that old person, the pre-cancer Tara.  But my life has forever been changed.  It wasn't anything I'd ever choose, but I do feel like it's given me a perspective and understanding beyond what I could ever have learned without cancer.  

I'm still so amazed at how many people sent cards, flowers, gift cards, made meals, said prayers or just sent me messages of love and support.  I'm in a fb group for women with breast cancer and so many of them talk about the lack of support they're getting.  I haven't felt unsupported even for a minute throughout all of this.  For that, I can never say thank you enough.  All I can do is pay all of your kindness forward and hopefully make it a little bit easier on someone going through a tough time.  God is good and he has provided me with an amazing group of friends and family around me.  

NED! NED!

Well, it's not really official yet (I feel like I need to hear it from my oncologist for it to be), but I got my pathology back from the lymph nodes that were taken during surgery.  I had an appointment with my gyn on Tuesday for a follow up and she was able to look up my results- all negative!  So I can safely say I am NED= No Evidence of Disease.  Although this is awesome, I still have a long road ahead of me.

Physically I'm feeling pretty good- I can't believe how quickly I'm healing.  Luckily I have some really awesome caregivers helping me with my drains and bringing me iced coffee when I need a pick me up!  I'm hopefully getting the drains out on Monday when I see my breast surgeon.

I have some strange numbness under my arms (especially the one that she took lymph nodes from) that may or may not go away, as well as total loss of feeling on the skin on my actual breasts. It's quite a strange feeling.  I do get random pangs here and there and strangely sometimes my chest wall aches- which feels like letdown (for my friends that breastfed), which is super ironic.  Cue Alanis Morissette.

I'm still pretty horrified by what's left on my chest, but the plastic surgeon said I'm healing great and that it's totally normal to feel this way.  He promised that he won't leave me looking this way.  

And of course I got a new t-shirt this week- I can't wait to wear it!

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me after my last blog.  It was really tough to write and I was hesitant to write it, but Ray encouraged me to share how I was feeling and I'm really glad that I did.  I have had a couple of good days since I wrote that- maybe I just needed to get it off my chest. (no pun intended) I'm going to find a support group to discuss how I'm feeling.

I feel like this journey thus far has aged me 10 years.  But now I can finally call myself a survivor- no more cancer in this body!  

All the feels

I've gone through a rollercoaster of emotions while riding this Cancer ride.  I've tried to be as positive and upbeat as possible, using my humor to get me through.  In the beginning though, I had many tears, worrying about the twins not remembering me, missing out on all of the children's lives and just not being able to be here for them. But once I was given all the information about my diagnosis, I knew that it wasn't worst case and I'd make it through.

Chemo was tough and it brought me to my knees several times.  There were some days when I just didn't think I could deal with the side effects for one more day.  I cried to my oncologist, who promised me that this was the worst of it and I would get through.  And somehow I did.

Back when I was first diagnosed and met with the breast surgeon, she told us about my options.  I could opt for a lumpectomy (which would require radiation after), a single mastectomy or a double mastectomy.  Not that I'd ever really thought that hard about it, or that I would actually have to make the decision, but I've always said I'd do a double if I were to get breast cancer.  I knew at that first appointment that getting rid of both breasts would give me the most peace of mind.  So I never really considered anything other than what I had done.

I'd done research and looked at pictures of women post-mastectomy.  I knew that most women don't get to keep their nipples so I wasn't shocked when my breast surgeon said she wasn't comfortable saving my nipple (because the lump was basically attached to it).

In the days leading up to surgery, I mourned the loss of my breasts- they were the first thing that made me feel like a woman, after all.  I nursed all 5 of my babies with those breasts.  Those breasts had been a source of comfort to my children for the past almost 13 years.  They were saggy from growing and getting smaller repeatedly, but they were mine.

 I wasn't exactly sure what to expect the first time I saw my new chest- I'd seen plenty of pictures with scars but I never really saw any pictures from right after surgery.  My plastic surgeon told me that I could take off the gauze on Sunday and take a shower, so that's when I got my first real look.

You guys, I was devastated when I took off my surgical bra.  I look deformed and where my breasts used to be are these weird plastic-y feeling lumps (the skin expanders).  I'm not a vain person, I really am not, but I cried and cried and cried.  I'm just so sad.  I never expected to be hit this hard with sadness.  I was fine with losing my hair, which I've always thought was one of my greatest attributes.  I wasn't happy about gaining weight, but I know I can lose it when this is all over.  But this?  My chest is forever changed.  I know that the plastic surgeon will make it look so much better than it looks now, but it's still so awful seeing myself this way.  It'll get better but for now, I'm just sad.

I am doing a little bit better today- I had a really good ugly cry last night and decided to focus on the positive- being cancer free.  But if you see me and I look sad, just know that I'm still mourning all that I have lost.  It's okay though, you don't have to say anything or even try to understand.  I hope you'll never have to understand this feeling of loss!  I hope that this sadness will gradually fade and soon it'll be a distant memory.

I love you all and am so grateful for all of the support you've shown over the last 7 months.  This roller coaster has not completed it's course yet, so be prepared to see some more ups and downs from me.  Thank you for taking this ride with me and encouraging me along the way.

Surgery

Friday morning we checked into the hospital at 7am. Eventually we were taken to nuclear medicine so that something could be injected into my nipple to determine which lymph nodes the surgeon needed to take.  The technologist took some images to determine where the lymph nodes were and marked them on my skin.  After about an hour, we were taken to the pre-op area where I met with my breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, ob/gyn & the anesthesiologist.  It was interesting because I had to explain to everyone what they were going to do to me- I guess they do that to make sure I really understand the procedures.  The plastic surgeon got out his purple pen and drew all over me, so that he knew what went where after the breast surgeon removed all of the breast tissue.

They finally wheeled me back, so I said goodbye to Ray.  The last thing I remember is being in the operating room.

When I woke up, I was in the recovery room.  I found out that my surgery ended up being closer to 6 hours (instead of the 4-4.5 hours they projected).  The breast surgeon took 5 lymph nodes out to be tested but the prelim results were negative for cancer in the nodes.  She told us that it is 90% accurate so there's only a very small chance that the cancer spread.  I'll take those odds!

I had to stay in recovery longer than anticipated because my heart rate got kind of high (130s) but once I got some steroids, I was cleared to move to my room around 9pm.  My nurse was great and very attentive.  I was able to get up and walk around a bit, although the pain in my abdomen was worse than I expected.  The tubal ligation was kind of an afterthought procedure, but i didn't get the numbing like they did for the other surgeries.  I got some good drugs though!

I was able to come home around 3:30pm on Saturday.  I'm getting lots of great care here at home- Elianna really likes being involved in draining my drains.  She might just be our future nurse!

  I don't feel nearly as bad as I thought I would, to be honest.  I'm 4 days out from surgery now and can get around pretty well.  I'm still pretty tired and sore.  Physically I'm doing pretty well.  I'm having trouble emotionally though, but I'm not quite ready to blog about that yet but plan to once I can get my thoughts to make sense.

Just like that. It's surgery day

I woke up around 4:45am because I couldn't sleep anymore.  I took a shower, looked in on all of my sleeping kids and packed a light bag.

I'm a bit emotional this morning.  Chemo changed the inside of my body but this surgery will forever change the outside.  I nursed 5 kids for a total of 8 years (if you don't count the twins simultaneously) and I'm having a hard time saying goodbye to the part of me that nourished and soothed them.  These boobs were the first thing that really made me feel like a woman when I hit puberty...and what brought all the boys to my yard.

But, it's a new chapter in my life.  A chapter that begins my life as a survivor.  As NED (no evidence of disease).  As the warrior that everyone seems to think I am.  I'm ready to kick this bitch cancer to the curb!

See you all on the other side!

The 24hour countdown

Welp, this time tomorrow I'll be getting prepped for surgery.  It's really happening.  I think I'm as ready as I can be.

Old Lady robe that snaps up the front-  check
Button up old fashioned pjs- check
extra pillows- check
little pillows for under my arms- check
button up shirts to go out into the world if I feel like it- check
the last season of OITNB to kill time- check

I got a lanyard to hang my drains on when I finally get to shower but can't find it now.  That's not helpful at all!  Oops.  I've done a good cleaning of the living room, kitchen and my room.  The kids need to work on the basement, but I'll let Ray deal with that and the bathrooms :P

Ready or not, tomorrow's the day.  Please just send easy surgery & quick recovery prayers and vibes.  And pathology that shows it has not spread!

Less than a week now- yikes!

I can't believe my surgery date is quickly approaching!  Ray and I went to see the nurse at the breast surgeon's office yesterday to discuss the day of surgery and aftercare.  It sounds like it's going to be a pretty painful experience, but luckily I'll be given some good narcotics to keep me from feeling too much of it.

I also saw a physical therapist.  She did a special test to check the "flow" up and down my arm.  A flow of what, I'm not entirely sure, but it's important to have that information.  They'll be taking out 2-3 lymph nodes during surgery to biopsy, which disrupts the lymphatic system and can cause lymphedema.  With the results of the test she performed, they can detect lymphedema by testing the flow every 3 months to see if things have changed, catching it much sooner than when I'd have symptoms.   I'm hoping I don't ever get it, but it can show up as far as 5 years out from surgery.  The PT said that it's pretty much a crap shoot on who will get it so I'm glad that they are being proactive about it.  I really feel great about the care that I'm getting here.  Johns Hopkins is definitely on top of all the newest medical interventions,

I'll be having a whole team of surgeons working on me on Friday.  The breast surgeon will do the mastectomy, the plastic surgeon will place skin expanders to begin reconstruction and my gyn will go through my belly button and do a tubal (taking my fallopian tubes).  My breast cancer can grow with hormones, so I can no longer use birth control with hormones, so we've decided the best option is "tying my tubes".  Although I know we are done having children, I am pretty sad to be losing my fertility.  That chapter of my life will be closed for sure.  

There's definitely a lot more to this surgery than I anticipated, but I think as long as I'm prepared, I'll be okay.  I survived chemo, I can survive this.