4 weeks since chemo...just over 2 weeks til surgery

These dates will forever be tattooed into my brain:
diagnosis:  Dec 23, 2016
First chemo:  Feb 2, 2016
last chemo- May 24, 2016
first surgery- July 8, 2016

Every month that I get to celebrate another month since diagnosis is a victory for me.  Life will never be the same.  I look back at pictures BD (before diagnosis) and I think, "poor girl, you just have no idea what's in store for you- how your body and mind and life is going to change."  This has definitely changed me.

Speaking of change, I'm getting hair!  Well, I *think* it's hair, it feels more like peach fuzz and is coming in really really light (dare I say white?!).  I've heard that sometimes the chemo can make the first hair come in without color- so I hope that's what's happening here LOL   Here's the best picture that I can get of 4 weeks post chemo:

I do have some dark hair coming in too, but it's much shorter so hard to see.  My head kind of looks like an old man head right now, so I'm having to wear a hat when I'm out now.  It sucks because it's so hot!  I'm hoping my hair starts growing quicker and I can stop wearing the hats soon.

It's getting closer!!

The countdown continues!  19 days- just 3 week from today I'll be in the operating room.  Here's the official countdown:  The final countdown

I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday and got more of an idea of surgery schedules.  It looks like surgery #2 will be anywhere from 3-4 months after my first surgery. Then the 3rd surgery will be anytime after 3 months, depending on when I want to do it (I'm thinking next spring).

I've read that I can never be declared "cured!" or even in remission (doesn't that imply that it'll eventually come back?  at least it does to me) but I've learned a new acronym to embrace.  NED.  NED= no evidence of disease.  My goal is to stay in the NED category for the rest of my life!

Once I found out that my cancer was contained to the breast and I knew the road of treatments ahead, I thought, "okay, this will be a tough year in my life, but soon it'll just be a blip in my lifetime, another obstacle cleared."  but the closer "the end" gets, the more I realize that it won't be just something that happened to me, but will affect the rest of my life.  Breast Cancer will always be there, lurking in the dark- every bone ache or random bump/lump etc is going to make me worry, "is it back?" But I'll try not to let it be anything but a niggling thought in the back of my mind.

I've learned a lot throughout this journey.  I know I've talked about it before, but with all the recent tragedies involving children and the judgement that has come from those on social media, I realized how much my cancer treatment has changed my way of thinking.  I hate to admit that once I would have asked, "why wasn't that parent watching the child?" as if I could be the world's most perfect parent (this thought coming mostly before I actually had kids, because let's be honest, we all thought we'd be the best parents before we actually had kids).  Motherhood definitely changed my thoughts on these situations (goodness knows I've lost track of one of my kids more than once) but Cancer has changed it further.  I no longer judge others, or if I begin to, I remind myself that unless I've walked in their shoes, I have no idea what's going on in their life.  It's not our place to judge and instead of judging others, we need to help them.  There have been so many times that I've been halfway through the grocery store when my 2 toddlers acting a fool- crying or running away from me or just being ridiculously silly and not listening.  Instead of the dirty looks, it sure would be nice for someone to offer, "hey, I'll watch your cart while you chase after those little ones!" Let's get back to the village we once used to be- let's help each other instead of breaking each other down with judgement and ridicule.  Do something nice today!

I have an official surgery date!

I got a call back from the breast surgeon's office and surgery is set for July 8!  We had to make a few other appointments- a pre-op "teaching" appointment with a nurse to discuss all the after-surgery stuff, a post-op appointment scheduled and even an appointment for a pre-op physical with my PCM.

I kind of can't believe it's finally scheduled.  It seems like just yesterday we had the consult with the plastic surgeon and he said to call about 3 months out to start the scheduling process.  It's really all coming together!

In other news, I finally returned to the gym this morning. Woot!  I went in with guns a blazin' and did a R.I.P.P.E.D class.  As anyone familiar with this class knows, it's a toughie!  Although I had to do a lot of modification (you'd be surprised how much chemo and inactivity can take from a body!), I had a lot of fun and it was good to be back.  I've been trying to eat better since June 1st and although I haven't been perfect, I've been doing pretty well.  My goal is to lose as much of this chemo weight as I can before surgery.

But...at the same time, I'm trying to allow myself some Grace.  As someone reminded me this morning (thanks Maria!), I need to allow myself Grace through this experience.  I gained over 20lbs while getting through chemo.  Could I have gained less?  Maybe.  But I did (and ate!) what I needed to get me through and you know what?  That's okay.  I could have maybe eaten more salads and less chocolate.  But the most important thing is that I made it through.  

I have a feeling someday I'm going to look back and really wonder how the heck I did it.  5 kids, the 2 youngest being 3 year old very active twins (who aren't even in preschool, yikes!), continuing with my dog training (which, I have to admit, is my me time and I wouldn't give it up unless I absolutely have to) & trying to keep some semblance of normalcy at home...it wasn't pretty, but i did it.

Some days were pretty crappy.  Some days I felt like giving up.  Some days were amazing.  Some days I cried.  Most days I laughed.  I thank God for every one of those days.  Having cancer has helped me to really realize what's important in life.  Family & friends.  And chocolate.  Definitely chocolate.